Blasphemy! (And other things)

Greetings Loyal Followers!

I know that it has been a very long time since we have had a posting and I fully blame this thing for it.

Don't let that smile fool you!

Since his appearance into our world, the secretarial staff of JoF has been extremely lax in their duties.

There have been many changes in our world recently.  In addition to the shrieking human child, we also moved!  One day in late July boxes started appearing and our stuff started disappearing.  Then a few weeks later Grandma and Grandpa came to visit and a big truck showed up.  That's when Mama and Daddy told us we were moving to Michigan.  (For me, Bunsen, and Beaker it was back to our home state but it's a new home for Rosco, Breezy and the rest of the crew). After a few months of living with our extended families, we moved into a new house.  Boy is this house great!  It has a new yard full of interesting smells.  Best of all it has SQUIRRELS!!!

Sadly after moving into our new house, Mr Nibbler became very ill.  Mama said he has something called infectious hemolytic anemia.  Unfortunately, it wasn't caught until it was too late because Nibbler hid in the basement of the new house.  Momma said it was too much for Nibbler to fight off even with the vet's help and he went to the Rainbow Bridge to be with Mr. Beau.

RIP Mr Nibbs

Now that you've had an update on our lives, I want to address a very egregious video of me circulating on Facebook. This video implies that I, Layla Jane Pretty Girl Basset Extraordinaire World Traveler, am lazy.  BLASPHEMY! HERESY!  LIES! ALL LIES!

I want to assure all our loyal readers that we are indeed hardworking hounds.  For instance, I am personally teaching the human screeching thing the art of dog massage.  Mama and Daddy don't seem overly concerned about this being's lack of employable skills.  I will soon have him trained so that he may contribute to the biscuit and kibble fund.

"A little to the left!"

We also take our roles as protectors of our domain very seriously.  Deadly squirrels run rampant around our new home and we must run them off daily.

"And don't you come back!"

 Finally the most important job we have is dual purpose.  Here we are demonstrating our ability to multitask by holding the couch in place and keeping the cushions warm.  God only knows where the couch would disappear to if we didn't hold it down!  I mean those things are known to run off at a moments notice.  We also use this time to keep the cushions warm so that Mama and Daddy will be more willing to relieve us of our couch sitting duties, that way we can refuel ourselves with kibble.

Keeping the couch captive is exhausting work!

So in conclusion, we hounds work extremely hard.  Don't believe the lies the internet tells you!

Just not fair

We don't get played with as much anymore.  That dumb baby gets all the attention.  And I don't get to lick his dirty feet.  I also get told not to sniff his butt.  Well I can't help it that is where the most interesting smells are!  Plus he gets all kinds of cool toys.

I wish I could play in that but noooo

Mama says he will grow up and want to play and snuggle with us.  I guess that will be OK, that is the only reason I am letting him stick around.  I can always use a new snuggle buddy.

An update

It has been so long since I posted to Jowls of Fury, I had nearly forgotten about it.  Hard to believe!  Me!  The hound who lived for this blog!  Well, my life has been very hectic since our last post.  I've had a lot on my hound mind.

First off, we were all very sad back in February.  Mr. Beau passed away, he had gotten very ill right after his last post and didn't want to worry anyone.  Daddy was out of town and when he returned he took Beau to the dog park one last time - we didn't get to go, but it was OK, because Beau deserved to have that one time to himself - and then he took him to the vet.  That's where Beau went to what they call the Rainbow Bridge.  I myself don't like to think about it.  Breezy took it kind of hard too, she hasn't slept well since.

RIP Mr. Beau

But life goes on.  Mr. Beau was a nice older gentlehound and he taught me a lot.  It was later in February that we got a ton, and I mean a TON, of snow.  It was higher than our heads!  Daddy cleared a path in the snow for us but it was still not very convenient to go outside and do our business.

Next time, make the path WIDER.  Bassets experience road rage.

Mama and Daddy bought a new houndmobile, we were very happy to see it had a TON of room to sprawl out.  That way we didn't have to hit each other in the legs while we slept.  But the windows are higher so it is difficult to look at the world going by.  Tradeoffs.

So much leg roooooooooooooooooooooom

We went to both our grandma's houses later in the year.  I always enjoy grandma's, because I get to see Max and Maggie.  It was about that time I noticed mama's tummy was getting bigger.  At first I thought she was just eating more food but she got really sensitive about me jumping on it.  Plus the visits to grandma's houses ended when we came home with a ton of stuff, and none of it for hounds.  Well, late one night Mama and Daddy disappeared.  They didn't come home at all that night.  I was very worried.  One of their friends came over to let us out and then put us in our crates.  Daddy came home the next morning to let us out and feed us...  and he smelled...  funny.  This went on for two days, then Mama came home.  Her belly had shrunk!  We assumed she went and saw the doctor about it and got fixed up.  But for the next month or so they left us alone a LOT.  Neither of them were working either!  And the both had that funny smell, I couldn't figure out what it was.

Well.  One day they brought home a new baby.  So that explains that.

You can see how happy we were

The new baby got all the attention.  We weren't allowed to lick him.  He takes up Mama's lap ALWAYS.  And he makes more noise than we do sometimes.  It has gotten a little better and Mama and Daddy are paying some more attention to us.  I guess it just took them a little while to get used to the baby.  He wakes them up every night to eat!  All he does it eat and poop and scream.  Like a stupid cat.

Yes we were all very happy to have this come to our house

So that pretty much brings you all up to date on what is happening at the Jowls of Fury household.  There are a few more things but I am going to let someone else talk about it.

The $125 fart

The other night Beau was acting sick.  He gets the lickies like Layla does sometimes.  Haven't heard of them before?  Well the lickies are when Layla gets a gas bubble in her tummy and walks around the house eating dirt and crud until she makes herself throw up.  Me, when I get a gas bubble, I stretch myself out until things work themselves out.  Usually I can do this without bothering anybody but sometimes I can't hide the fact.

What?  What sound?  I didn't hear anything

Well the rest of the dogs in the house are not so subtle.  Layla can't stretch as easily as me because she is so chunky, so she gets the lickies.  Breezy likes to pretend like she isn't gassy but she isn't fooling anyone.  And Beau is just too old to care.  But more often than not his lickies turn into worse tummy trouble because he breathes so hard that he sucks in a lot of air.  If he were to fart it all out at once it would probably blow the house up.  As it is he farts a lot and barks and coughs all at the same time.  It is not very endearing and he stinks the place up. So the other night when he started wheezing and his tummy was gurgling I thought 'Oh great here we go again'.  But instead he kept getting worse and worse until mama and daddy took him to the emergency vet.

I've been a lucky hound so far in life, I have only had to go to the regular vet.  The emergency vet sounds much worse.  We didn't get to ride along so I don't know what sort of torture they put Beau through.  But he came home good as new.  Daddy and mama were complaining that he just farted when they got there and it cost us $125.  I'm not sure if that is just a story they told to keep the rest of us quiet or if Beau really did just have such expensive gas.  But all I can think is how many treats $125 would've bought...  and it all went up in smoke...  sort of.

I think he just farted again

Son of the Christmas Pig Monster

I had not realized it was Christmas time again.  Normally you get a warning like snow or cold weather but it has been pretty warm and there has been no snow.  Daddy killed a deer and has killed some ducks so we know it was fall, but I mean we were at the dog park only a few weeks ago!  But Christmas time means Christmas Pig Monster time.  I was really happy last year because the duct tape job that mama and daddy did to patch him up did not hold up so well and they had to throw him away.  Life seemed to be much safer. But then they started dragging out Christmas time stuff, and like any safety-minded hound, I got a little concerned.  You just never know.

 What are you putting up this year?  It isn't...  pig-related, is it?

Well, I am sorry to report that they bought ANOTHER Christmas Pig Monster.  I call him 'Son of the Christmas Pig Monster'.  He is just as evil and stupid as his evil and stupid father.  They put him out there this morning.

Damn it

I was not a happy hound.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The horror

Layla Jane Basset Hound Extraordinaire, World Traveler

This summer hasn't been very hound friendly.  First it started with Daddy trying to plant grass in the backyard and we couldn't run and play.  Then it became VERY hot and we couldn't go to the dog park. All of Daddy's grass dried up and it's didn't rain for a very long time. 

This is the perfect patch of dirt for me to work on my tan.

 However, yesterday someone called Isaac showed up and started spitting stuff out of the sky.  Now don't get me wrong, this girl loves to swim but I don't like stuff spitting on me from the sky.  I think it's rude.

What's worse is that Mama MADE us go out in it to go potty.  I know!  She has some nerve! Well I decided to teach her. Mama accidently left the side gate open and I though since she made me go out, I was going to explore.  I had a grand time smelling all the new smells and wandering the neighborhood.  That was until the lady that lives behind us tattled on me.  Mama was so upset that I wandered off that she marched me back home.  

                                      

I made sure she toweled me off properly to give me that tousled, wind blown basset look. 

                                      

Ok, Mama.  That's enough fussing for now. I need my beauty sleep!

Rosco Puppyman, B.D.

 So this past weekend, Mama was sick again.  It seems like she is never well. It's always something with her. I have decided that, in addition to my HOSA dog duties, I have decided I will become Rosco Puppyman, Basset Doctor.  I hold a firm belief that any aliment Mama has can be cured by me.

Rosco Puppyman, B.D. here to cure what ails you

So I carefully crawled unto Mama's sick bed.

                                               

Do you feel better now that I'm here, Mama?

                                               

How about now?

No?  Let me get closer so I can work my basset side manner.

                                               

 How's that? Feel better now?

How about now?

Now?

                                               

Let Nurse Bunsen check my technique

Here rub my cheeks and chest. That will surely make you feel better.

 In the end, Mama said my basset side manner did not make her cold go away (and she said I was squishing her).  I think Mama isn't curable. It's time to send her to Dr. House from T.V.. He can fix everything!

Aliens!

Recently the cat has been allowed outside the house.  I find this to be terribly unfair.  He gets to poop in litter boxes and probably gets to roll in it too.  If I so much as look in the direction of the litter boxes when we go through the mud room on our way outside, I get hollered at and my basset derriere gets a gentle nudge from daddy's boot.  He also gets to poop outside.  I am only allowed to poop outside.  And he is such a fast little twerp!  I try to chase him and keep him from getting away but he can squeeze through small spaces because he is a cat, and cats are all little and weak and stupid.

But that is not the point of this blog.  Today we saw aliens!  They were up on the hill, where we are not allowed to go.  And they are weird-looking aliens too, not the big-headed kind.  These aliens walked on four feet and one of them had horns on its head.  I watched them at first and then when I saw them move towards the house I started barking like crazy to make sure mama and daddy could come out and fight them.  Or maybe sacrifice a cat or two in hopes they (the aliens) would go away (and take the cats with them).

Well daddy eventually came out, and here is what happened...

So I think daddy has been brainwashed by the aliens.  Who calls aliens 'dear'?  They have come to eat our brains or something they are not dears!  And obviously they are worth points but I think a weird alien with horns is worth more than 4 points!  I will have to watch him closely to make sure he doesn't try and make me into an alien hound slave.

Funny Photo Friday

So my new Mama thinks it's funny to take pictures of me when I least expect it.  Here is her latest snap shot of me.  As you can tell, I look less than thrilled.  All I was really doing was licking my chops.

"I'm one bad azz Beau Dog. Now excuse me while I go take a nap."

She thinks this is a funny caption.  I, however, don't feel that it lives up to my Dignified Southern Basset Gentleman status.  What am I going to do with this woman?

The worst part about summer is the flies

Summer is not very much fun when you get right down to it.  Yes it is warmer and you don't have to worry about several feet of snow, and yes the dog park is easier to get to, and yes there are things like hamburger cookouts and visits to grandma's houses.  But there are bad parts too.  It gets really hot sometimes, and we can't go to the dog park as much when it gets really hot because Beau is old and daddy is lazy.  We don't even get to stay out in the yard very much.  And hamburger cookouts are more fun for people than for hounds because we don't get to eat as much as we would like.

But the worst part about summer is the flies.  They are stupid little bugs that fly into the house when the door opens and they land on your food and buzz against the window.  I would really like to eat them but they are too fast to catch usually.  And there are tons of them out there!  I don't know if they breed better in the heat or what but every time you go out they buzz around your head to remind you they are still there.

I hate you guys

But flies outside are nothing compared to flies inside.  Inside they draw the attention of mama and daddy, and they try to kill them.  They are faster than I am but they use a rolled up newspaper to squash them.  Rolled up newspapers are also used on bad dogs.  I wasn't a bad dog but they got used on me before I came to live with mama and daddy, and it reminds me of life before them.  I don't like those reminders.  It makes me shake and worry that I am going to get swatted instead of the flies.  I know they aren't going to swat me - at least I hope they don't (sometimes I get my rump swatted when I am being stubborn but it is not mean and they just use their hands instead of a rolled up newspaper) - but still it just makes me scared.  So, I am hoping the flies all go away soon.

No thanks

Stupid vacuum cleaner

So the other day mama got into one of her clean freakout modes. These happen every so often and when they do watch out. Nothing is safe, especially beautiful full-figured lady hounds who might happen to be a bit dirty because they don't live the pampered lifestyle of little foo-foo dogs.

To put it mildly we got baths. I was not very happy about this. Then she wanted to vacuum, at which point I knew she was really trying to get under my skin. I don't like vacuums. Well I was not sad to see the old vacuum finally break. Mama said a few choice words and made daddy throw it away.

This is a good place for vacuums

Well she wasted no time going out and getting a new one. I really wanted to go roll in the yard for that but daddy has been trying to grow grass and for some reason he won't let us out there, now we have to do our business in the front yard in a tiny little fenced in area. All the neighbor dogs can see us too, including the new dog across the street who is very yappy.

Beau is too old to understand why we hate the vacuum so much

Worst of all this vacuum is really good at picking up fur, so it makes it even harder for us to keep a thick sheet of hound fur on all the furniture and rugs. We try and do our best but it just isn't enough. Watch the video below and you will see what we have to put up with.

Urg

See now we will have to start all over again from square one. I let Rosco take the first crack at it, I really need a good long while to get all riled up and do my rolling and growling.

Take it away, Rosco

Now he has a puffy face

Poor Beau, he cannot catch a break. I feel sorry for him because he has had to go to the vet's for the last 3 weeks in a row, and he missed out on the dog park the other day. His face is all puffy and his eyes are leaking goo. Mama took him to the vet with Oliver and he has to take medicine and have stuff put in his eyes. I hope he feels better, because I am tired of smelling vet on him.

That looks uncomfortable

I have a sick nose

Boy we have been really bad about blogging lately. Daddy has been so busy working we haven't been able to even wake him up to do our blogging for us. He falls asleep on the couch and he is so easy to lay on at that point that it just doesn't get done. It's good for the basset soul but bad for the basset blog.

We have had to get mama to blog a few times, as you saw the other day when she helped Beau write about what a handsome hound I am. Well today daddy took me to the vet. I swear I think he wants me not to like him anymore. He also took Oliver, and let me just say that cat is really bizarre.

Look at how calm he is... doesn't he realize we are at the vet's?

When he poops lately he screams a lot. We try and go in and investigate but of course there is a gate in the way. Well Oliver had to get a shot today and I had to go along because apparently I have an infected hound nose.

It doesn't look infected to me... I think I will survive...

Well of course I hate the vet's. I was very watchful of any doors because that is where the vets surprise you.

I'm ready this time

But this vet wasn't so bad, he talked all nice to me and gave me a treat and rubbed me. Then he stuck a piece of glass against my nose and left. When he came back he said I had white blood cells and bacteria in my nose. I had no idea! So now I am a little worried. Daddy gave me some medicine and rubbed this weird creamy stuff on my nose. Hopefully I won't have to wear a cone of shame like Beau did for so long. Sorry about not blogging for so long. Also sorry it isn't a Famous Basset Hound Friday. We will try and do a better job of hounding daddy in the future.

Beauregard the Dignified Southern Basset goes to the dog park

So today was another awesome day in the JoF household.  Mama came home early from work and whispered the words that every hound loves to hear, "Let's all go to the dog park."

Now the younger hounds went all crazy and started whining, barking and acting very undignified.  I, myself, let a few woofs to voice my approval and then waited patiently for Mama to put my collar on.  Then we all loaded up in the BUV (Basset Utility Vehicle).  The youngin' were acting all crazy hanging out the windows looking ridiculous.

Someone needs to teach these hound some manners!

This how they should behave!  I'm a dignified Southern basset waiting patiently to leave.

When we arrived at the park, we met a nice man named Joe and his cool blue tick hound Capella.  Of course Rosco and Layla had to embarrass me by chasing a blabrador.

I on the other hand walked around introducing myself to the other dogs at the park.

How do you do kind sir? My name is Beauregard.

I traveled all over the park making new friends with dogs and people alike.  I also made sure to correct any undignified behavior that I saw.

I managed to spread the word about how to be dignified to many dogs while at the park.  Mama just needs to bring me a soapbox next time so I can command the attention I deserve.

After educating as many dogs as I could, I decided that it was time for a drink and to head back home.

Now young Mr. Rosco seems to have the potential to become a dignified basset hound.  

Here he is in his handsome hound pose.

The lady hounds on the other hand chose to ignore Mama when she called them. Ms Breezy was so uncooperative that she didn't even get her picture taken at the park.

Here is Ms Layla paying no mind to her Mama.  Very rude!

I decided to let the other hounds know I was leaving with a few barks and then started walking toward the gate.

Mama insists that you all see how well I can walk since the big ole tumor is gone.

All in all it was a good day! I met new people and dogs and was able to educate the dog masses about dignified Southern basset hound behavior.

Famous Basset Hound Friday # 50

Well I am feeling much better.  I am not taking any more of that pain medicine.  Nope, I am toughing it out now, being such a gutsy old hound.  Unfortunately I still have to wear that stupid cone of shame - my stitches are really bothering me and I need to clean myself up, but mom and dad won't let me - so I have this dumb lampshade stuck on me for the time being.  My spirits were a little low, and Rosco suggested that I write a Famous Basset Hound Friday.  He can be a rotten kid sometimes but honoring famous hounds is a pretty good idea.

So I thought long and hard about what hound to honor.  He has already honored so many of them, it was tough to choose a good one.  Then I remembered a hound from the good old days, when famous bassets did not frolic in hedonism.  She was a classy gal, the sort of hound that a young man like myself could admire without being disrespectful.  I am of course talking about Cynthia the basset from the show Green Acres.

She sure was pretty...  wait...  is that a skunk?

I will confess...  Cynthia was my first puppy crush.  Now that I am an older, distinguished hound gentleman, I have come to appreciate the company of ladies for their personality, and not just for their sleek, wrinkly form, their long ears, and their drooping jowls.  But I still like those things too!  I am old, but not dead.

So...  add Cynthia to the list of famous hounds!

Do you know what this means?

So last week I was having a great week until Friday.  Friday I didn't get my normal breakfast and I wasn't too happy.  Then Dad took me back to the place I don't like - the vet's office!!! And to make matters worse he left me there! The people there were nice but they gave this stuff that made me feel all funny and made me very sleepy.  The next thing I know I woke up and my side, leg and groin hurt. But to make matter worse, they gave me this terrible hair cut.

I mean really? How am I suppose to impress my lady friends if my hair looks this terrible.

Also I was hurt all over and I was still pretty sleepy. Mom and Dad tried their best to make me happy and comfortable by giving me stuff to help me not hurt. But I didn't like this stuff, I made them work to get it into my mouth and sometimes I spit it back out because it tasted bad. They even tried to disguise it in a treat but I figured that one out quickly.  No fooling this distinguished hound! But they finally manage to make me swallow it and then I slept.

And slept some more.

This weekend was a blurry haze for me but today I'm feeling much better. Today my appetite returned and I drank lots of water.  I also didn't have to have as much yucky medicine either.  I was able to get up and move around on my own, although I still hurt.  Mom even said she knew I was getting back to normal because I was passing gas (However, she didn't not state it that delicately! And those gagging noises she made were just rude!). I also noticed something new today, the huge lump on my side is gone!  I can move around like when I was a young debonair hound.  This also meant I could inspect the sore spots on my body.  I tried to be discrete about it but the every watchful hawkeye parents caught me in the act.  So now I'm stuck in this:

I really hope my lovely lady friends don't see this.

So according to Mom, this means I'm feeling better.  However, I'm just feeling humiliated.  I see you cats snickering over in the corner.  When I'm all healed up you better watch out!!

My big day

Today was a very eventful day.  Dad took me to the vet's this morning.  I was initially very excited to go for a car ride, but I was less excited when I realized it was to the vet's.  However they didn't hurt me too badly, only drew a little blood and then let me go home.  All the young pups here were very jealous that I got personal time with dad in the car.  We napped in our crates until lunch, when dad came home and let us out.  Normally he gets his lunch and goes back to work, and we only get a few minutes out of our crates to do our business.  But today he stayed home and ate lunch with us, so we got to sprawl on the floor and on the couch before going back in our crates.

Mom beat dad home today and she sat out on the porch with us.  It was a really nice day out, very sunny and warm and breezy.  When dad got home we got to go to the dog park!  I ran around and barked at everyone, and made sure to sniff lots of things.  Many people gave me attention but more than a few of them commented on my health issues.  I always have thought that was rather rude of people, and it makes me self-conscious of my appearance and it really takes away from the enjoyment of the dog park.

Later, mom and dad told me that the blood draw this morning turned out OK.  The vet said I am healthy enough to go through surgery.  They said that tomorrow the vet is going to remove some of my lumps and make me more comfortable.  Dad said he will put me to sleep (not that bad kind of putting to sleep - I made sure I understood dad very clearly and that the vet was not going to put me to sleep permanently, I still have a lot of bassety things I want to do and I am starting to like my new home).  Once I am asleep (just temporarily) they will do surgery on me.  I will wake up with a few stitches but lots less tumors, and I will go through a recovery period.  Then I should be good as new.  Mom says I will be like a 'new man'.  I wonder...

I wonder how many years they will take off me

And lastly, today is National Dog Biscuit Day.  We celebrated by getting a new bag of treats tonight.  I liked mine but to be perfectly honest I am a little worried about tomorrow.  I haven't been to surgery since I was a pup and got fixed.  I am not the young strapping hound I once was, and I hope that everything goes OK.  Especially now that I have a couple of special lady friends - I need to come back in good shape so I can take them out to the dog park and show them a good time.  Their names are Sadie and Maggie, we met at the Cyberhound.  

So if you happen to have a moment to spare please cross your paws for me tomorrow.  I will have dad write about me once I come home.  Thanks to everyone who has supported me and my surgery, we really appreciate it.

So... I will see everyone when I get back.