Son of the Christmas Pig Monster

I had not realized it was Christmas time again.  Normally you get a warning like snow or cold weather but it has been pretty warm and there has been no snow.  Daddy killed a deer and has killed some ducks so we know it was fall, but I mean we were at the dog park only a few weeks ago!  But Christmas time means Christmas Pig Monster time.  I was really happy last year because the duct tape job that mama and daddy did to patch him up did not hold up so well and they had to throw him away.  Life seemed to be much safer. But then they started dragging out Christmas time stuff, and like any safety-minded hound, I got a little concerned.  You just never know.

 What are you putting up this year?  It isn't...  pig-related, is it?

Well, I am sorry to report that they bought ANOTHER Christmas Pig Monster.  I call him 'Son of the Christmas Pig Monster'.  He is just as evil and stupid as his evil and stupid father.  They put him out there this morning.

Damn it

I was not a happy hound.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The horror

It's my Gotcha Day!

Yup one year ago today I got to go and live with my new mama and daddy! I left behind the living in the garage thing, and got to go to a place where I got lots of lovins' right away. Daddy and I sat on the couch together and he petted me and told me how beautiful I was!

Yes I know, but go ahead and keep telling me

My new hound brother and sister were not very friendly at first and to be honest I was kind of mean to them as well - but it was a very stressful time and I didn't know what to do! Besides Rosco can be a real jealous baby sometimes.

If he sniffs my butt one more time I swear I'll...

But now I get to live in a place where there are lots of belly rubs, treats, Chicken McNuggets, and couches to lay on.

Unfortunately daddy has to lay on the floor.

I also get to dig in the blankets and hide from everyone!

I am invisible in my top-secret basset fortress

So it has been a great year! Plus I got a special nacho chip for my Happy Gotcha Day treat! So as long as the Christmas Pig Monster stays dead for the rest of all time it is smooth sailing for this basset hound girl!

Another Christmas Pig Monster

I thought with Christmastime ending that the monsters would be gone, at least for a year. But as they were putting things away the other day I noticed something. Another box, with another monster in it.

He looked like this

What is a hound girl supposed to do? Sure they are locked away in the garage in boxes, but I know next year there will be two of them instead of just the one. I fretted over this for a few days. Then I had another worry piled on top of me - it turns out there is an entire race of Christmas Pig Monsters, and they laugh at you from the tops of rickety buildings and rocks and stuff.

This is even worse

I was pretty concerned about what next year might hold. If we get enough Christmas Pig Monsters they will probably try and come inside and steal my warm spots and food. I am more than ready to kill them all but I am only one hound and many pigs could overwhelm me! Rosco and Layla are no help, they just lay there and sleep. If we are going to defend this house from them it is up to me.

So I did some online research. It turns out that Christmas Pig Monsters (and non-holiday pig monsters as well) have a weakness. Angry little birdies evidently kick their butts.

I'm glad these guys are on our side. The little yellow one is the best

So it turns out we have a bird feeder in the front yard by the door! And the cats are always watching the birds eat. I would be pretty angry if I had cats watching me eat the entire time so I'm sure those birdies are pretty angry too! So I guess we are safe. And if any Christmas Pig Monsters get past the angry birdies, I will be ready to bite them once they try and get inside. In the meantime, I am going to take a nap.

Famous Basset Hound Friday # 43

As I was logging in to write this week's famous basset hound, Google asked me if I wanted to add my phone number to their service. This was in case someone ever hacked my account. I don't even know what hacking means! I sort of make that noise when something goes down the wrong pipe in my throat... I certainly hope no one would do that to Jowls of Fury! It doesn't really matter, I don't have a phone anyway, so I added daddy's number and selected the 'maximum cost texting rates' or something like that. Won't he be surprised!

Anyway. It's time for another famous hound! This hound is a little belated Christmastime, but it's OK because she is such a happening hound that it totally doesn't matter that the lights and the monsters are all put away! Her name is Martha and she appears in the commercials for Tommy Hilfiger. The one for Christmastime is evidently at the house for insane people because up until Martha's appearance in the commercial I just wanted to bite someone. Then she pulls the plug on the methamphetamine party they were having and restores sanity to the house and Christmastime TV's everywhere.

Thank God for Martha, I couldn't take much more of that

Oh plus! Martha has a blog! She hasn't posted much but between the commercial and the blog she is a famous hound! Check her out here! She's our newest famous hound!

A late Merry Christmastime

We have been gone for over a week, and it's time to get everyone updated!

We spent a big part of Christmas up at Grandma's house in Michigan. We saw Max and Maggie again, and also Griff and Remy and a new dog named Tinker. Tinker didn't get to run with us because she was tied to her car (her mama is afraid she would be too aggressive but she seemed fine to us - she had a thick fur coat and a really good howl, almost as good as mine). Now as you may recall, I did not always get along with Max and Maggie. However, I decided to try and be a good puppy cousin this year and have a good time. As it turns out they were much better behaved. I only had to howl at Maggie and Max every once in awhile. If Max tried the puppymaking game I threw him to the floor.

This happened a few times. I really am that smokin' hot

Now I still did not like Griff - he is such a big lummox and he runs into everything and his tail is like a furry wrecking ball - so I had to howl in his face quite a few times. Oh well, that's just the way family is at Christmastime.

Imagine this in motion, not a pretty sight

We had a white Christmastime, sort of. We got snow the day before and we had to go out and pee in it. Layla and Rosco thought the snow was great, while Max and Maggie didn't seem to care. I guess they are used to it, but I am a Missouri Hound at heart, and we do not do well with snowpacolypse, or whatever Layla calls it.

So... you're not going to carry me out there?

You expect me to pee WHERE?

But the highlight of the Christmastime was definitely the kids. I met the kids earlier this year - you might remember me and Miss Ashlee played basset princess and her personal chauffeur - and we got to see them again. The kids remind me of the good parts of my old home, the parts where I got to play with kids and chase them and protect them from lummox dogs like Griff. I did my best to protect everyone from everything but I am only one dog, and I can only do so much.

I couldn't protect everyone; Drake was OK but Ashlee got slobbered on

Another upside to the kids is that they are short and they drop food all the time. In fact we got lots of treats at Grandma's, way more than we do at home.

All you had to do was be patient

They didn't always eat everything and a patient dog got the goodies

I was starting to think about staying there forever but then we had to get in the car and go back home. Now the long car rides are not my favorite thing. I don't like to be jostled when I am sleeping and between the bumpy road, the packed car, and the lummox brother and sister I have, I got barely any sleep. Plus the cats - yes all five of them - were in on this car ride and I had a hard time sleeping when they needed to be constantly monitored so they didn't get out of the crate.

These conditions are horrible

That reminds me, Grandma's has other cats too. They are different from our cats and they also need to be closely monitored and possibly chased. This one cat named Maisy looks like a furry Ottoman that ran into a brick wall. She makes lots of noise and I tried to chase her a few times, but dad always stopped me.

If you don't keep them in line they get all Terminator on you...

Anyway... back to the car ride home. As I said, I did not enjoy myself, but mama's car ride home was even worse. She was really sick. Now normally when I get sick the best thing to do is try and have a treat and go lay in my crate for awhile. Well, mama didn't want any treats and the only crate had 5 cats and a litter box in it. So she toughed it out and rode most of the way home sitting up, but finally daddy told her to lay down in the back so she could get comfortable. That opened up the front seat for me, and I got to be the co-pilot!

You're doing great, but keep your eyes on the road

A co-pilot's job is making sure that daddy doesn't speed or hit anything, and not to let any slow dogs pass us by. I did my best but you can only do so much with such poor raw material.

I think that Shar-Pei just flipped us off

Floor it daddy we need to leave him in the dust!

Anyway, once we got home, mama slept for a long time and daddy went to the great-grandma's house for another Christmastime. I stayed home to make sure that darn Christmas Pig Monster stayed in the yard where he belonged. I thought I heard daddy come home later but it was just the neighbor, or possibly another Christmas Pig Monster joining forces. But no. Just the neighbor. Then the next day, daddy came home, and he brought my other grandma and grandpa with him! I was so excited to have someone else to lay upon!

Grandpa's lap is a pretty good place to take a nap

See what a beautiful bunch of ladies we are? And then there's Rosco...

Well we were all having a great Christmastime when who should appear at my doorstep but Evil Uncle Casey. I sprang from my bed to bite him and howl in his face, but his heart grew three sizes that day and he decided to make up for his earlier transgressions by giving us all a treat. I was suspicious at first, like maybe he had poisoned it or something, but Layla and Rosco wolfed theirs down and they didn't die or anything. So I ate mine and decided that Evil Uncle Casey was going to be known from then on as Not Too Bad Uncle Casey (until he screws up again).

So that was my Christmastime! Hope everyone else had a good one.

Where we've been

I'll bet you, as a regular reader of Jowls of Fury, have been wondering where we have been for the last few days, right? Well! Wonder no more! We are at one of our grandma's house, and she doesn't have very fast internet. That's why this message will be short and sweet. We just wanted to let everyone know that we are up here for Christmas and we will be back to faster internet by the end of the year. Until then everyone have a good holiday, take lots of naps, and watch out for Christmas Pig Monsters.

Christmas costumes and monster!

Rosco and Layla have been telling me about a Christmas tradition that we all have to go through each year. We have to wear costumes. Rosco even had to wear a beard and a hat once. I don't know how he got through it but he did. Well, yesterday was the day. I wasn't looking forward to it but at least we got a treat out of the deal.

It was utter chaos

As hectic as things were I have to say that I think I looked pretty good in my pretty Mrs. Santa Paws outfit. But I always do cut a stunning figure.

Mrs. Paws has nothing on me

Rosco and Laya were less well behaved with their costumes. They kept trying to take their hats off. Mama and daddy didn't even try the beard this year and I don't blame them - Rosco is a little brat and a beard on a lady hound is just ridiculous. Layla always tries to bite the hat band anyway.

Rosco never keeps his hat on

The beard would've gotten in the way of her antler hat

So the costume party ended (finally!) and we thought the perils of Christmastime were over. But we were wrong. Mama brought this big baggy thing out from the laundry room. It smelled like the outside and we were of course duty-bound as hounds to investigate it. She hollered at us and told us to quit walking on the pig. Well it didn't look like any pig to me! She taped it here and taped it there. Then she plugged it in (an electric pig at that!) and it started to inflate.

You might call this a pig but it is clearly a monster

Once he started to inflate mama was very happy. I am a bit suspicious about her now, I think she may have been brainwashed. Christmas Pig Monster was sitting there looking very smug in my living room and his fan was making enough noise that I couldn't have napped even if there weren't a monster sitting next to my TV. I began to formulate a plan but then mama's brainwashing went away and she told daddy to take the pig (AKA Christmas Pig Monster) outside. OK good, I thought, now I have a bit more time and perhaps I can kill him in the yard the next time I got out. Well, daddy took care of it for me. Christmas Pig Monster went in the front yard. He only comes alive when it is night time, and really that isn't such a bad deal because he will keep other dogs and cats out of our yard. Just so he doesn't come back in my living room again we have an uneasy truce.

He doesn't look too good right now

I vanquished him and saved Christmastime! No more photos please.