Famous Basset Hound Friday # 49

Let me start out this Famous Basset Hound Friday by saying that Beauregard the Basset was taken this morning. He went to the vet's and they are keeping him overnight. Daddy said that they removed 10 whole pounds of tumors from him. That is like 25% of me. 25% of a puppyman! The big one on his chest is gone and the weird hanging one on his back leg is gone. I guess he had one near his nether regions because that one is gone too. I myself did not fancy the idea of checking out old man basset hound nether regions so I was not aware of that last one, but any tumors gone are good things. The vet said he woke right up from surgery and is doing well. He gets to come home tomorrow but has to go back in a few days later to get his drains and stitches taken out. I hope he feels better soon.

Anyway that is all for our Beau update. Stay tuned for more Beau-related news.

And now it is time for our latest famous hound! Today is a four-for-one deal! Yes I am wheeling and dealing, handing out famous hounds like it is going out of style!

It's not though! We will keep doing this until there are no more famous hounds, at which point the world will be a little bit less houndy! And that will be terrible! But fear not, there is no shortage of famous hounds!

We would like to introduce you to Winston, Aimee, Cleo, and Bella. They are the HoundDogs of HoundDogMom, one of the first basset blogs we ever started to read and another inspiration for Jowls of Fury. We even got to meet each of them (except Bella) at the first GABR waddle we went to. Unfortunately Ms. Cleo had to go to the bridge last year, and it was very hard for her mama. But eventually they found Bella, another rescue hound (yay HoundDogMom and the other HoundDogs!), and she has fit right in.

That sort of sounds familiar...

Anyway, if you would like to check out the doings of the HoundDogs you can click on HoundDogMom's blog link that I have conveniently inserted here. They do lots of fun stuff like play in the snow, run the Basset 500, and post 'Wordless Wednesdays'. These posts are some of my favorites because they show the complexities of basset hound life with no words at all. It is very artsy and something we have not tried to capture here at Jowls of Fury. Also Beaker has her stupid Weird Word thing that she rarely does but daddy says we can't take her airtime away from her. All she ever does is lay on the couch, we have 4 hounds in this house cats I believe the laying on the couch jobs are spoken for! Go lick yourselves or something!

Anyway those are our newest famous hounds!

Weird Word Wednesday # 20

I have recovered enough from the horror of being forced to travel in close proximity with Nibbler (who gets sick and vomits) and Oliver (who has intestinal problems) to update our Weird Word entries. Mom and dad have argued about this stupid phrase several times, and each of their insistence that they are correct has driven me to resolve it.

The word is "catty corner", or maybe "kitty corner", or perhaps even "caddy corner", depending on whose definition you use.

Mom favors "kitty corner", which I don't like. Why would you want us in the corner?

Unacceptable

Dad favors "caddy corner", which is really no better because it is just stupid.

Acceptable, but still stupid

What they are both trying to say is "two things diagonally across from each other". While that is the lengthiest way to get your point across at least you don't sound like an oaf while doing it.

Weird Word Wednesday # 19

How was everyone's Thanksgiving? We enjoyed a nice, quiet weekend to ourselves, with no yapping dogs or arguing family. Then the dogs came back and things went back to normal.

Anyway, here's the newest Weird Word. This week's (month's - so sue me) word is 'behooves'. It is used by people who want to sound intelligent as a way to say 'it is good for you to do this'. Used in a proper sentence, one might say 'It behooves the cat owner to feed them regularly, as to do otherwise invites certain death - and we don't mean the cat'.

But what does the word really mean? It sounds like it means 'the person who does this will get a nice set of hooves'. Sort of like 'bestow' or 'bequeath'. Come to think of it, those are all pretty weird words. Any way you slice it, I think I will stick to my paws.

Leave the cross-species intermingling to the experts

Weird Word Wednesday # 18

This week's weird word is used every once in awhile on TV. It was used more often in the past but I hear it just enough to irritate me. It's the phrase "The jig is up", and it's used to mean something like "Now the truth about my trickery has been discovered so I can't pretend anymore".

So a jig is something people use to make boats. It also has something to do with saws and puzzles. None of these meanings make any sense in terms of how they use that phrase. The saw is up? The puzzle is up? The boat is up? What the heck do any of those things have to do with discovered lies?

Honestly, this is the race that feeds us cats. It's a miracle we all don't starve.

Weird Word Wednesday # 17

This week's weird word is inspired by my mood.

The word is 'exterminate', which means 'to eliminate'. The reason I think this is a weird word is because the root word 'terminate' also means 'to eliminate'. For some reason adding the 'ex-' modifier doesn't change the word's meaning at all.

Usually adding the 'ex-' modifier makes it the opposite meaning. An 'ex-wife' is a former wife, an 'ex-convict' is a former convict, and an 'ex-basset hound' is what I would like to see happen around here three times.

But when you 'ex-terminate' something you don't actually bring it back to life. You kill it, just as if you 'terminate' it. This is annoying to me, but it's also useful to talk about dogs you want to get rid of - either word applies.

Dogs beware

Weird Word Wednesday # 16

My triumphant return is at hand! This time, I am taking over something that can never be taken away from me!

Weird Word Wednesday!

Why can't it be taken away from me, you ask? Because I'm only going to do it once and then give it up. This sort of dedication is not to be had from a cat - especially one as important as me.

Anyway, this week's weird word is "dreadlocks". Dreadlocks are a hairstyle that humans have when they decide they want to be lazy and not clean themselves anymore. Growing hair that isn't brushed or cleaned tangles and gets all nappy, and for some reason is referred to as dreadlocks.

Now supposedly this has something to do with two words that were combined in the 1960's - dreads and locks - and that's why we have the word dreadlocks, which have little to do with nappy hair. To me it sounds more like human gibberish (you should hear them talk to the dogs). But dreadlocks aren't just limited to humans - my cat siblings Korbin and Beaker get them as well, because they no longer take the time to bathe themselves. This leads to mama having to brush them which makes them scream and howl, and leads to me rolling around laughing at them.

Time for someone to get shaved...

Weird Word Wednesday # 15

Hello blog readers. I decided to take over Weird Word Wednesday this week for Beaker because I am starting to feel a bit better after my operation. As some of you probably already know I went in to get "fixed" on Monday. Dad left me at the vet's which was scary, and then they knocked me out with gas. I woke up confused and sore and really sleepy. At the end of the day dad came and took me home but I was so tired he had to carry my inside and put me in my crate. I ate a little bit of food and then I just slept. I have a sore spot on my tummy and I can't run or play or anything. At least I get good snuggles.

Anyway, this week's word is "fixed". I don't know what needed to be fixed on me - nothing was broken. But I had to go to the vet's - dad said it was to avoid me having tumors later in life and also so I didn't have any puppies. Well I guess the vet said it looked like my insides once had puppies in them - I already knew this but dad and the vet were pretty clueless (the puppies were at my other home, the one that gave me up to my forever home). That's why I always whine when I hear squeakies, they sound like puppies to me. I hope my puppies all have good homes. I don't like to think about them because I don't know where they are, so I guess it is a good thing that I can't have any more. At least I am in a good home now even if they do take me to the vet sometimes.

I didn't need to be fixed, I wasn't broken. I think they should use another word for what they did. Either way it wasn't fun but I guess it had to be done and now it's over. But on the upside I get lots of treats and attention when dad comes home now. I will just try and let the past be in the past.

Weird Word Wednesday # 14

The dogs said we could have our blogging rights back if we agreed to pay homage to them with a few of our newest blogs. I agreed to be the first one since I am the most peaceful and creative cat.

So today's stupid human word is "catnap". The dogs felt that the word should actually be "dognap", or maybe even "bassetnap". It is more fitting since they are so good at napping and obviously better than cats.

There. Penance done. I need to go throw up now.

Weird Word Wednesday # 13

It's nice to finally be worshiped the way I deserve, without having to plan my sermons around dog schedules! This Whiskers of Fury thing has been wonderful. Now if we could figure out a way to give the dogs to a rescue shelter so we could rule the basement as well, our lives would be perfect.

Speaking of the dogs, they are our topic for this week's weird word. The word 'basset' is sort of a strange name for a dog - a basset is something you put a baby in, and a basset hound is a long droopy dog. Although they certainly act like big babies - whining and crying all the time, drooling all over themselves, wrecking things, taking up too much of our mama's time. So maybe the name is perfect.

If you read in the dictionary you will discover that the word basset is French for 'low'. While they certainly are low, I don't care what the French word for anything is. I make my own words for reality, and I just call them 'stupid dogs'.

Weird Word Wednesday # 12

We have yet another stupid human word to go over this week.

"Hoodwinked".

This is a word that has somehow survived centuries of human usage, despite the fact that it probably didn't make much sense when they first used it. It was used back in the 16th century, when people evidently wore hoods. Wink means eyes closed, of course, and it had something to do with thieves shoving a hood over their victim's heads before they robbed them. It also had something to do with falconry.

Anyway, this is basically a dumb word. Lots of humans hoodwink themselves these days. The word is used these days to mean that people get tricked or something.

If you buy something like this you have been hoodwinked.

Weird Word Wednesday # 11

Let me just start by saying that the last 5 days have been great - there have been no dogs or humans around. Sure, I missed the humans every once in awhile (like when I needed to be petted) but the tradeoff was worth it - no dogs.

They came home tonight. Sigh.

Anyway, the latest stupid phrase that has got my attention is 'sick and tired'. A person says they are 'sick and tired' when they really mean to say they are 'bored with' or 'have had enough of' something. However, true to human fashion, instead of just saying what they actually mean, they bury it in some half-accurate catchphrase. It's amazing any of them make it past childhood.

My Google efforts got me nothing on the term - in fact, it would appear that human musicians are not sick and tired of making songs about being sick and tired. Either way, I'm bored with this now, and I need to scout out a dog-free zone.

A short blogging hiatus

Jowls of Fury fans, we are going on a short blogging hiatus.  Rosco, Layla, and Breezy are going up to grandma's house in Michigan, where there is no internet to speak of.  So that means there will be no Famous Basset Hound Friday or Stupid TV Commercial Sunday this week - but fear not, we will return next week just in time for Beaker to miss another Weird Word Wednesday deadline!

Weird Word Wednesday #10

The last few entries of Weird Word Wednesday have been delayed because people keep moving my furniture around. The dogs now live in the basement where I like to hang out, so it has made it difficult to focus on any activity other than glaring angrily from the few remaining out-of-slobber-reach places.

Anyway, this week's dumb human phrase is 'hot diggity'. People say 'hot diggity' when they want to sound especially stupid while trying to convey a sense of excitement. The word has no rooted real-world meaning - it was apparently gibberish that was made up one day by a guy named Al Jolson (see picture below). But then, what can you expect from a guy with such hits as 'There's a Rainbow Around My Shoulder', 'Ragging the Baby to Sleep', and 'Yaaka Hula Hickey Dula'?

Honestly, the human language is ridiculous.

Weird Word Wednesday #9

This week's dumb human phrase is the word 'nick', and its various uses that basically sound incorrect.

The first example I can think of is saying 'in the nick of time', as in, barely getting something done before it was too late. For example, 'Dad poured fresh cat food into my empty dish in the nick of time, because if he had waited a moment longer I would have been forced to kill him and do the job myself'.

That sort of thing.

Ok, so why does this 'nick' mean a small amount of time? According to my research, a nick was a unit of measure on a stick that was used to measure time. How this stick was used to measure time is beyond me. I don't bother with measuring time, except when I am waiting on my food or litter boxes to be tended. Anyway, a 'nick' of time sounds stupid, like something a human came up with.

The other use of the word 'nick' is when someone says 'I nicked myself while cutting up your food, Beaker, so I can't feed you this fresh chicken because I am bleeding'. To which I reply 'whatever you've got lots of blood and I don't have much chicken.' According to dictionary.com (human website), the word 'nick' can mean a small groove or cut on the surface. In my mind, the word is derived from a clumsy human who also owned a lot of knives and sharp tools.

Stupid humans.

Weird Word Wednesday #8

Finally back in action. Let's see, my blog has been stolen from me for the past two weeks, BOTH TIMES by whiny little boys. Nibbler was busy crying about his ample rump and dad was busy whining about how hard life is.

Get over it, boys. Your silliness has put me in a bad mood, and this is the sort of mood that makes me want to pick a really stupid entry for this week's weird word blog. The perfect sort of blog to take it back to where it ought to be - out of the hands of juveniles.

This week's stupid human catchphrase is 'the cat's out of the bag'.

Boy, where to even begin? Some cats like to go into bags, as they make interesting hiding places and are a decent challenge when it comes to feline spelunking. But the whole 'let the cat out' part implies that the cat needs help getting out. First of all, if we ever did need help we surely wouldn't admit to it. Second of all, we never need help in the first place.

Glad we've wrapped that up.

So this phrase must be used to mean that cats have been placed in bags by humans. Well, that sounds like some humans I know, so we'll go with it. This sort of cruelty to felines ought to be stopped dead in its tracks, if you ask me.

I found two historical versions of why a cat needed to be let out of the bag. The first one had to do with unscrupulous practices of people who went to the market a few hundred years ago. The idea there was that they were going to sell piglets at the market, but would try and cheat the system by putting cats in the bags where the piglets go.

Are you kidding me!? A cat going into a bag is bad enough, but one that pigs were in at some point!? I'd like to see someone try and put me in some smelly pig-bag! The only thing pigs are good for is bacon! Well, you can imagine how the stupid phrase of the week was inspired - cats rarely get put in bags involuntarily without making some noise, and they are most certainly not piglet-like.

The other historical version makes me feel a little better. Instead of rudely shoving cats into hog-bags, the phrase 'let the cat out of the bag' was used to mean when a captain of a ship would use what is called a 'cat o'nine tails' on his insubordinates. Basically, it's a whip that is used to make stupid people shut up.

I like the second version better.

Weird Word Wednesday #7

I'm taking over the blog again for one of the animals because Beaker is too busy to blog at the moment.  She just went rocketing through the house and knocked the dog gate over, sparking an intense 30 seconds of basset aerobics.  Everyone is back to their sleeping/chew bone gnawing state again.

This week's weird annoying word is 'patience'.  I'm out of the stuff.  Frankly, I'm tired of waiting on every little thing.

We've been waiting on my wife to find steady employment since moving here.  That is a waiting game I am sick to death of.  She is educated, intelligent, responsible, has a strong work ethic, and is apparently unhirable in the greater Columbia area.  The local college graduates have an extra level of certification that she doesn't, and that is evidently more desirable than 2 years of on the job training.  My guess is those students are winning the game of 'who you know' due to their clinical rotations that they complete during their schooling; they most likely know all the local hospital staff because they've worked for them at some point during their education.  I'm tired of not being able to do anything to help my wife.  Unemployment sucks the life out of you, and right now I think I'd amputate something if I thought it would land her a job.

I'm tired of waiting on manuscript reviewers too.  My colleagues and I submitted a paper to Southwestern Naturalist in June of 2010.  I have emailed the editor repeatedly and asked for updates on the review process - something that should take 3 months at the most, and that is for technical, specialized papers.  Ours was basically a report on the species of animals found on an Air Force Base.  I could probably get my mother to review it in an hour or two.  The editor has told me that his first two reviewers flaked out on him and he had to find someone else.  Supposedly, the paper was going to be reviewed by today, and as of 9:50 CST I have not received an email about it.  My only other manuscript took a long time to finally get published, and the note that I got published in 2009 took almost a year to review and see print.  A year for one paragraph.  Either I have terrible luck in journal reviewers or someone is out to get me.  These sort of things slow down the development of a CV (a scientific resume, basically), which in turns slows down how competitive I appear when applying for scientific jobs.  Although I should probably point out that those same colleagues are waiting on me to finish another manuscript and get it sent to them for a final review before submission.  I guess everybody waits on something.

I'm tired of waiting to feel like my life is going to start.  The stress of not making enough money to cover all our costs - and these are basic costs, not expensive cars or wasteful spending - literally eats up all the happiness in life.  I can't seem to get out from under it either.  I love my job and I enjoy the time I spend there, but the reality of the situation looms over me pretty much every day.  My wife is waiting to hear on a job that is about an hour and a half away - we want her to get it but it will mean us living apart until at least October.  I'm tired of waiting for our lives to being together, where we both are working in our fields under the same roof.  These days it is tough not to be bitter and sad every day, and if it weren't for the distractions TV and the internet offer I wouldn't be able to deal with it.  And that's just me being selfish and thinking about myself - you can guess how my wife feels.  I wish there was something I could do to help her.

As I worried over all these things on my drive home today I was greeted with a happy sight.  My dog Rosco (Puppyman) was waiting for me in the window.  I could see his droopy-eared profile in the window, backlit by the lamp.  As I pulled in the driveway he jumped off the couch and ran downstairs to greet me at the door by howling and leaping at me.  His wait, at least, was over.

Weird Word Wednesday #5

It's been awhile since I posted a blog about the woeful inadequacies of the human language. Some of you may have been wondering, 'When will Beaker post another insightful and scathing review of some silly thing people say?'

So sue me. They got another dog and I didn't feel much like typing.

This week's dumb human phrase is 'shindig'. Humans use this phrase when they are trying to say 'We are having a party or a get-together'. I have mostly heard this particularly stupid way of saying that coming from the mouths of teenagers and college-age humans, who I would not miss at all if they should suddenly die in their sleep tonight. According to Merriam-Webster's online dictionary (and since this is an institution run by - you guessed it - humans - their expertise is questionable at best), the word 'shindig' is probably an altered form of the word 'shindy'. Well, that was pretty helpful.

Thanks, idiots at Merriam-Webster.

Either way, we have yet again established that human beings are incapable of clear and concise speech. Their only real utility is in cleaning litter boxes, getting out the catnip, and purchasing and distributing cat food and water, and even at those tasks they are largely inadequate.

Weird Word Wednesday #4

This week's weird phrase is 'You don't say'. Humans say this when what they really mean is 'really, that's what happened?'

What else do I really need to say here? You mean one thing and you say another. Humans are pretty dumb.

Weird Word Wednesday #3

This week's pointless human idiom sounds unpleasant. Sometimes people will say that something is a sight for sore eyes.

Sight for sore eyes? First of all, why are your eyes sore? I've never had sore eyes. I would go see a doctor if I did. Second, what kind of sight is specific for sore eyes? Are the sights supposed to be restorative, to make the eyes less sore? Or are they sights that are somehow responsible for sore eyes? Whatever you can look at that makes your eyes sore, I want no part of it. Then again we are talking about humans, and their eyes are nowhere near as good as cat eyes (especially in the dark).

According to the humans at The Straight Dope, the saying takes some obscure definition of the word sore to heart. In this context, "sore" actually means "afraid". Of course, how obvious. Human words can't just have one meaning, they have to have five or six increasingly unknown meanings and uses. So instead of saying "I am glad to see that, it makes me less scared", they say "That is a sight for sore eyes".

Humans are just plain dumb. SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!

Weird Word Wednesday #2

Before any of you even start with me, I know it's not Wednesday. I napped this past Wednesday. That is my prerogative as a cat.

The latest Weird Word Wednesday has to do with horses. There are actually a few strange sayings that deal with horses, as evidenced by a recent Dinosaur Comics entry. One that they missed is "Dead Ringer".

This odd saying is used as a way to state that someone/something is nearly identical to another thing. For instance "He is a dead ringer for that other guy". Rather than say "He looks like that other guy", humans use some strange bit of language that really makes no sense. I have been Googling away trying to determine the origin of this little idiom and actually found two different possibilities.

Possibility 1. Dead ringer describes a common occurrence in olden times, when people who were so sick they appeared to be dead were interred and buried, only to wake up later and find themselves stuck in a coffin. Forward-thinking morticians started putting strings in those coffins and attaching them to a bell at the surface, so the not-dead person could pull on the string and patiently wait to be dug up. How this eventually went from meaning "More or less an almost zombie" to "looks pretty much like something else" is a testament to how dumb human language is. In cat-ese, "meow" always means "meow".

Possibility 2. Dead ringer describes the practice of trying to trick bookies in a horse race. This one actually makes more sense, but isn't quite as cool as almost-zombies. Devious horse racers would have two horses that look almost alike, and run the slower one for a few races, convincing everyone that it is really slow and will likely become glue before too long, only to spring the faster horse on an unsuspecting crowd when the odds are really low (and the payoff high) in a big race. This seems a lot more plausible.

So, this is a Weird Word entry that actually makes a little bit of sense, although it would be easier to say "similar appearance" than "dead ringer". SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!