Blasphemy! (And other things)

Greetings Loyal Followers!

I know that it has been a very long time since we have had a posting and I fully blame this thing for it.

Don't let that smile fool you!

Since his appearance into our world, the secretarial staff of JoF has been extremely lax in their duties.

There have been many changes in our world recently.  In addition to the shrieking human child, we also moved!  One day in late July boxes started appearing and our stuff started disappearing.  Then a few weeks later Grandma and Grandpa came to visit and a big truck showed up.  That's when Mama and Daddy told us we were moving to Michigan.  (For me, Bunsen, and Beaker it was back to our home state but it's a new home for Rosco, Breezy and the rest of the crew). After a few months of living with our extended families, we moved into a new house.  Boy is this house great!  It has a new yard full of interesting smells.  Best of all it has SQUIRRELS!!!

Sadly after moving into our new house, Mr Nibbler became very ill.  Mama said he has something called infectious hemolytic anemia.  Unfortunately, it wasn't caught until it was too late because Nibbler hid in the basement of the new house.  Momma said it was too much for Nibbler to fight off even with the vet's help and he went to the Rainbow Bridge to be with Mr. Beau.

RIP Mr Nibbs

Now that you've had an update on our lives, I want to address a very egregious video of me circulating on Facebook. This video implies that I, Layla Jane Pretty Girl Basset Extraordinaire World Traveler, am lazy.  BLASPHEMY! HERESY!  LIES! ALL LIES!

I want to assure all our loyal readers that we are indeed hardworking hounds.  For instance, I am personally teaching the human screeching thing the art of dog massage.  Mama and Daddy don't seem overly concerned about this being's lack of employable skills.  I will soon have him trained so that he may contribute to the biscuit and kibble fund.

"A little to the left!"

We also take our roles as protectors of our domain very seriously.  Deadly squirrels run rampant around our new home and we must run them off daily.

"And don't you come back!"

 Finally the most important job we have is dual purpose.  Here we are demonstrating our ability to multitask by holding the couch in place and keeping the cushions warm.  God only knows where the couch would disappear to if we didn't hold it down!  I mean those things are known to run off at a moments notice.  We also use this time to keep the cushions warm so that Mama and Daddy will be more willing to relieve us of our couch sitting duties, that way we can refuel ourselves with kibble.

Keeping the couch captive is exhausting work!

So in conclusion, we hounds work extremely hard.  Don't believe the lies the internet tells you!

Stupid TV Commercial # 41

So it is nearly Easter.  That is the holiday where a magical rabbit brings people chocolate and other candies, and hides it in the house in a basket.  Somehow this is related to religion.  It also has to do with Mardi Gras, which Layla sort of explained in another post.  We are not religious animals so the importance of these things are lost on us.  What I want to know is whether there is a giant rabbit running around my home or not.  I have seen regular rabbits in the yard before and heard the dogs talk about chasing them.  If they are anything like squirrels they are regular little punks, sitting in my window and gnawing on their stupid squirrel teeth.  They are just lucky there is a thick pane of glass between us, and that I am not an outside cat!

Anyway - Easter has this TV commercial called the 'Cadbury Easter Bunny'.  I don't know much about bunnies but I don't think they make the kind of noises the Cadbury bunny makes.  Well in this week's stupid commercial, they are having tryouts for a new bunny.  Notice the first animal is a pig - good luck pal.  The next two are a lion and a regular cat.  Neither of those two animals would be caught dead trying to be a bunny.  We would rather eat the bunny together after an invigorating chase scene where we both pounced on it together, and then high-fived each other after the kill.  We most certainly would not make odd noises while wearing bunny ears.  Clearly a case of animal abuse here.

The best place to sleep

As a hound, you have several options on where you choose to sleep. Sometimes you have to make the best of a non-ideal situation. While car rides are a lot of fun, the long ones that tend to require nap time usually involve lots of luggage. This does not make for a comfortable hound opportunity, but you can sometimes take advantage of properly placed luggage.

Laptop bags have nothing to do with laps as far as I can tell

The bed is a good place to nap, but usually you have to compete with a few other hounds for a good spot. Sometimes this is nice, especially on cold nights when you need to be warm, but other times it is just a bit too crowded. Now if you are a mighty hound like me you can just shove them out of the way, but if you are a feather duster like Rosco you are out of luck.

Three is a crowd

But the truly best place to sleep is next to mama. Daddy is OK but he is not as cuddly as mama, and he gets all twitchy when he starts to fall asleep. Sometimes I wonder if he is dreaming about bunnies or squirrels like I sometimes do. But it is annoying to be in a restful hound sleep and get jerked awake by him. Mama just sleeps soundly, like us hounds.

Yes, this is the best place to sleep

There are no such things as squirrels

Layla and Rosco are fibbing again, I can tell. They keep talking about squirrels but I don't buy it. I've never seen a squirrel at either of the houses we've lived at. The yard smelled like something but we quickly discovered what it was.

Seriously? They are going to chase a stupid toad? Toads are too small to chase and they aren't fast either. They are the sort of thing a stumpy-legged hound gets excited about because they are too slow to chase real animals. Us long-legged girls need to dream bigger. See how I had to howl at them to get them inside so I could eat my dinner?

Squirrels? Yeah, right.

These walks will be the death of me

So as you may recall I was recently told by some quack veterinarian that I needed to lose weight because I am too fat. Well, I happen to think that Czechoslovakian vets are not the foremost authority on beautiful voluptuous basset hound ladies, but mom and dad have taken her words to heart and are making us all exercise.

By going on walks. Now normally walks are great fun - you can stroll around town at your leisure, sniff all the interesting smells, terrorize geese and squirrels and bunnies, work on your basset tan, pick up scraps of goodies off the ground (when your slave-driving human isn't yanking on your leash), get lovins' from people who walk by, and fraternize with the dogs in the neighborhood.

But these new walks are terrible. We live in Missouri, which evidently had some mountains installed since I learned my basset geography, because our walks are less about basset enjoyment and more about basset exhaustion. Up and down hills, no getting to smell the neighbor's yard, no playing with other puppies in the area (everyone has dogs with fences and they are all barky and mean-sounding), the dead of summer heat, and conflicting human commands ('keep walking' vs. 'quit pulling - make up your MINDS).

But mom is relentless. The other day she practically dragged me home. I wish they would take us to the dog park so I could snooze in the sun and play with some other dogs at my own leisure, instead of being walked until my stumpy feet are sore. And not getting to stop and smell things is just cruel - a waste of a perfectly good hound nose. Of course sometimes the walks end with a good treat (we got Frosty Paws yesterday), but other times we only get to come in and run up a flight of stairs to get to our water. Stupid split-level house.

Here is a pictorial example of how to treat your basset hound, humans.

The right way - look at how happy the person and the hound both are

The wrong way - this hound is on the brink of death!

Trickery and deception will get you nowhere

Lately I have noticed a few things that bother me at my house. It is getting warmer and that means I want to spend more time outside. I like to lay on my deck and get some sun so I can work on my basset tan. The neighborhood is more alive now that the snow has melted and the birds are back, flying around and singing. I can also run through the yard quicker now and there is a hint of squirrel in the air. Even Joey jumps into our yard sometimes, and Sophia has been in her yard a lot lately.

Plenty of reasons for a hound to want to stay outside a bit longer than usual.

What are you yelling about? I can hear you.

But our parents don't want us to hang out in the yard. They would rather we go out and do our business, then come right back in. Dad always mumbles something about not chasing me in his underwear. Now I am a good hound lady, and I do my best to listen to the suggestions my owners make to me. But there are times I have to exert my independence. This usually goes pretty well if I get off the deck, as dad doesn't like to come down and get me. Sometimes I am rewarded by being left alone and allowed to come back inside when I am good and ready. Other times it results in mom or dad trying to trick us.

The trickery and deception worked on me for a little while - I wanted to believe. Dad would say something like 'let's go inside puppies', and we would all faithfully come bounding up the steps. But now that I take my time he tries to entice me upstairs with a treat. Now there are times where a treat sounds better than walking around in the yard, and he usually gives us treats when we come inside anyway. Other times he will say 'mama's home', and it is difficult not to give in to that temptation. Mama coming home is a joyous occasion. Lately he has asked if we want to go for a car ride. Car rides are the best!

I'm so happy!

But usually this is just a lie - he only says that to get us to come upstairs, and then he flops down on the couch to watch TV. Now that I know this happens I listen less and less. Plus he is dealing with a pro - I can trick Rosco into giving up The Good Bone pretty easily. The one trick I need to work on is when he says 'Nibs!' or 'Joey!', as if the cats were at the door. I really want to play with those cats but they are afraid of me. So I try and take advantage of cornering them so I can show them how nice I am, and more than once dad has tricked me into coming inside before I was good and ready, only to discover that there are no cats.

But me listening less and less is starting to make them come out and get me. The other day he came down with a broom, as if he were going to sweep me up the stairs.

So you see the sort of foolishness I have to put up with. This sort of devious behavior can really wear a girl down.

Famous Basset Hound Friday #7

Wow, what a week it has been. We got a new sister! Her name is Breezy. Mom and dad call her 'Breezy-peasy', which isn't as cool of a name as 'Puppyman', but what can you do? She is kind of shy but she seems alright. She smells REALLY good and I want to play with her a lot but dad stops me from doing some things. Too bad. But on a good note we have been on walks like every day this week! It's been warm and the mountains of snow are gone and - best of all - there are squirrels in this neighborhood! They live way in the back where there are woods but at least we can see them now.

So anyway, this week's famous hound doesn't have a name, he's just called 'dog'. Not very creative. But 'dog' is from the TV show Columbo, which is about a brilliant detective (who probably learned everything he knows from his hound) that solves all kinds of crimes. According to Wikipedia, 'dog' might have actually been named Fang (what a cool hound name) but that is just speculation.

In the video below Columbo has the mistaken impression that hounds will do what people want them to. We are not like silly labs or german shepherds (but we could be lethal weapons if we WANTED to - I myself am a torpedo dog very often). We do the things we want to do and we let people enjoy us! 'Dog' was definitely a hound's hound!

Lots of new things

There have been a lot of new things since I wrote last time. I see my brother and those cats have made a few entries. None of them were quite as important as my last blog though.

First of all, the newest thing is that we are in a new house now. It's much better than the old one! There are a couple of great things about this new place. First, it's HUGE. It's at least twice as big as the old one. The kitchen is big, which means I can eat my food and really spread out now if I want to. Second, there is carpeting, which means I can nap wherever I want and not have to lay on a hard floor. Third, the basement is sometimes open to me, which is completely different from the last house. I even get to play down there once in awhile. The backyard still has a fence, and there is a little girl who came into the yard and played with me while they unloaded all our stuff! Her name is Sophia and she brings me and Rosco treats. Sometimes she sneaks them through the fence if her dog Biggin is there. Biggin seems like an ok dog - not a basset but we can't all be perfect like me. We really haven't got to play with Biggin yet. Finally, there's an outdoor cat at this house. His name is Joey and I really want to meet him and sniff him, but the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet.

But I do miss my old house sometimes. This yard doesn't have a good squirrel tree, and there's no dirt to roll in. There are also more stairs - up stairs to get in and out of the house, up and down stairs to get into the basement - at the old house there were only 5 stairs to go up and down. I'm not fond of stairs, I always think I am going to fall down them. The basement stairs here have plastic on them and I have made a couple of unladylike slides! But it isn't my fault, we bassets aren't really made for stairs, especially the death-trap kind. I do miss my squirrels though. I also miss Joni, who came to visit us sometimes from You Go Pet Sitting. If you're ever in Springfield and need a pet sitter I really liked Joni, she was really nice. She also put my picture up on the internet as a good dog, so you know she has good taste in beautiful dogs.

It's great to be a hound

Life is good. I've got to go on at least one car ride a day in the past week. Let me tell you a bit about car rides. They used to happen once a week when daddy and I lived in the other house for awhile, but after we moved in with mama they happened a lot less. I was a sad hound. The only nice thing about it was that car rides always ended up at the park. I love the park, it is probably the best place on earth. There are lots of other dogs there, and lots of people who want to stop and pet me. And the smells! Such smells! I wouldn't even want to go for a walk, I'd rather just wander around and smell, but you know how dad is.

Anyway, lately I have been going on car rides to the park every day. Daddy goes to work now, which is kind of strange, but when he comes home we go for a car ride. The weird part is the cats come with us. They all go into one of our crates, with our bed in it, and then they go into the car. Then we "load up" and go for a ride. The windows get put down, which I love, because it lets me show everyone just how fast I can run. I run so fast in the car my ears stay flying behind me the whole time! And people in the nearby cars all check me out - just yesterday a whole bus of kids drove by and pointed and smiled at me. It's great to be a hound on a car ride.

The recent car rides always end at the park. I thought there were squirrels in my yard, but there are TONS of squirrels at the park now. And they are so lazy! They sit there and taunt Layla and I, instead of running like they should. They're lucky dad holds us back or we would catch them and smell them and possibly eat part of them before dad caught us!

SQUIRRELS

Howdy!

Man there are squirrels EVERYWHERE lately! I first learned of squirrels at grandma's house in Michigan! My puppy-cousin Maggie taught me about them. According to Maggie, squirrels are like rats (?) that live in trees. I thought this was patently unfair, because we dogs do not climb trees like rats (?) or birds. Man, birds really tick me off. I think they wait until you get close enough to where you think you might catch them before flying away and laugh at you. Anyway, squirrels. They sometimes come down from the trees, which is fair, because we dogs do not climb trees. If you are fast enough like Maggie (she is like lightning), you can catch them and possibly eat part of them before your human catches you in the act. Well, she didn't say the eating part, but that's what I would do. My other puppy cousin Max is not as fast as Maggie but is faster than me, but he hasn't caught any yet either. So there is hope for a non-bullet demon hound like me.

I am not fast enough, not by a long shot, to catch a squirrel. Which is too bad, because I really want to try and eat one of them, or at least smell them up close. I can smell them where they were in the yard, and I can smell where they have been digging and doing their squirrel stuff, but it's just not the same. I even found a dead one at the park the other day, but dad wouldn't let me roll on it. He never lets me do anything fun.

But back to the squirrels. They're EVERYWHERE lately! There are squirrels in my yard all the time! Even in the front, where I hardly ever get to go. Probably why there are so many of them. There didn't used to be this many. I think it's because I don't get to smell them up close. Dad seems to think it's because it is getting to be late in the year, which is when they are burying nuts and seeds and stuff to eat over the winter, and it only seems like there are more of them. But what does he know, with his soon-to-be-gotted doctorate of philosophy in zoology? I'm the one with the nose here, and it's telling me that the squirrel population in my town is exploding thanks to helicopter dog parents that don't let their hounds catch them, or at least roll on the dead ones. Bunnies, for instance, have dropped dramatically since Layla and I almost caught that one last time.

Well, that's all for now. I'd decree that they let me get those squirrels, but it won't change anything. Think I'll take a nap; there is not doubt I can catch one of those.