Rosco Puppyman, B.D.

 So this past weekend, Mama was sick again.  It seems like she is never well. It's always something with her. I have decided that, in addition to my HOSA dog duties, I have decided I will become Rosco Puppyman, Basset Doctor.  I hold a firm belief that any aliment Mama has can be cured by me.

Rosco Puppyman, B.D. here to cure what ails you

So I carefully crawled unto Mama's sick bed.

                                               

Do you feel better now that I'm here, Mama?

                                               

How about now?

No?  Let me get closer so I can work my basset side manner.

                                               

 How's that? Feel better now?

How about now?

Now?

                                               

Let Nurse Bunsen check my technique

Here rub my cheeks and chest. That will surely make you feel better.

 In the end, Mama said my basset side manner did not make her cold go away (and she said I was squishing her).  I think Mama isn't curable. It's time to send her to Dr. House from T.V.. He can fix everything!

Stupid TV Commercial # 43

We have another Easter entry in our stupid TV commercial category.  We have already commented on the fact that rabbits do not make chicken noises.  Well it appears that another confectionary CEO does not understand rabbit biology.  The good folks at Reese's put out an ad where a chocolate rabbit (which isn't even ALIVE) and a jar of peanut butter (which isn't even the FACSIMILE OF A LIVING CREATURE) 'get it on' to create the offspring of their sugary union - a chocolate egg.  A CHOCOLATE EGG.  Neither of those two 'parents' have anything to do with eggs.  What is the matter with commercials these days?

Stupid TV Commercial Sunday # 42

A pretty short blog entry for Stupid TV Commercial Sunday this week.

Now I don't eat macaroni and cheese - but if I did, I would have some severe reservations about continuing the habit, given that you evidently need to have mild brain damage to do so.

Stupid TV Commercial # 41

So it is nearly Easter.  That is the holiday where a magical rabbit brings people chocolate and other candies, and hides it in the house in a basket.  Somehow this is related to religion.  It also has to do with Mardi Gras, which Layla sort of explained in another post.  We are not religious animals so the importance of these things are lost on us.  What I want to know is whether there is a giant rabbit running around my home or not.  I have seen regular rabbits in the yard before and heard the dogs talk about chasing them.  If they are anything like squirrels they are regular little punks, sitting in my window and gnawing on their stupid squirrel teeth.  They are just lucky there is a thick pane of glass between us, and that I am not an outside cat!

Anyway - Easter has this TV commercial called the 'Cadbury Easter Bunny'.  I don't know much about bunnies but I don't think they make the kind of noises the Cadbury bunny makes.  Well in this week's stupid commercial, they are having tryouts for a new bunny.  Notice the first animal is a pig - good luck pal.  The next two are a lion and a regular cat.  Neither of those two animals would be caught dead trying to be a bunny.  We would rather eat the bunny together after an invigorating chase scene where we both pounced on it together, and then high-fived each other after the kill.  We most certainly would not make odd noises while wearing bunny ears.  Clearly a case of animal abuse here.

Stupid TV Commercial Sunday # 40

OK so this commercial has been on for awhile, but it is actually kind of funny.  Not because the dogs are right at the end - it's funny because it makes dogs look stupid.  I mean c'mon, where are those fierce fangs we hear so much about?  And NO amount of doggie treats can combat their horrid dragon breath.

You guys look really stupid

OK OK OK I can't pretend it isn't funny!  And there is a website that lets you try it on your own animals.  So we tried it out on our dogs, because dentures on cats isn't funny at all. If you have stupid dogs in your house you want to try this on you can go to this site.  But please note: we didn't do it to Beau, because putting dentures on a dog old and decrepit enough that he might actually need his own dentures just isn't cool.

First here is Breezy, because she always chases us.

Looking good there you dippy dog

Next is Layla, that blimp of a basset.  She likes to chase us too but she also takes up a ton of space on the couch, space that could be otherwise occupied by us cats.

Laugh it up blimpy

And finally is Rosco, all blinged up because of his obsession with GQ models and showing off his man region.  And Santa hat.

You have something in your teeth...  bwahaha...

This has been the best Stupid TV Commercial Sunday ever!

That old dog is back

As you probably know, we recently brought in another dog named Beauregard. At first I thought 'great, another dog to compete with for food and attention and sleeping space. Just what we need around here.' They have already taken over the couch for the most part. And they get most of the attention nowadays. I mean as cats we generally could care less what people want, and only bother with their affections when it suits us, but it would still be nice not to have to jockey for position.

But then when he arrived I realized he was a pretty pathetic sight. He had huge tumors all over him and he could hardly walk and there was no way he was going to be getting up on the couch. And he is so old! Older than Bunsen even, who before Beau was the oldest thing in the house.

And to top it off he came back from the vet's today. They removed some of his tumors and he is even more pathetic than before. He is half-shaven and... well here just look at the picture.

I kind of feel sorry for the old guy now

I hope he feels better soon. I also hope with that big tumor gone that he won't be able to jump on the couch.

Stupid TV Commercial # 39

With all the new dogs in this house it is getting difficult to watch TV.  They take up so much of the couch!  And the newest one has really bad gas!  Fortunately mom falls asleep with the TV on sometimes and I catch up on my Golden Girls episodes while they sleep.  They don't make actresses like Estelle Getty anymore.

Anyway - this new store opened up in town recently.  They have really bad commercials.  I think they are supposed to be bad, and that is supposed to make them slightly less bad somehow (humans...  go figure).  But in this case, it just remains bad.  The green eyeshadow is what does it for me.  I think she ought to have that looked at.  Plus why are her legs like that when she is flying?  If she tried to land they would buckle under her admittedly lithe, healthy-lifestyle influenced frame.

The crusades failed for a reason, you know

Anyway - time to go lay in the window and watch the birds.

Stupid TV Commercial Sunday # 38

This week's stupid commercial continues in the venue of human beings and their disgusting bathroom habits.  It makes me glad I am a cat and I do my business in a box of clumping claylike material.

No, it is not time to do any of those things

I am highly suspicious of a group of women who want to "get real about what happens in the bathroom".  If I were buying toilet paper, I would never operate under any illusion about "what happens in the bathroom".  I know exactly "what happens in the bathroom".

1.  You poop.

2.  You wipe.

3.  You don't talk about either of the above in polite company, or over national television, no matter how much the ad company is paying you.

So...  to reiterate, since this seems to be a common theme...  Humans!  I do not wish to hear about your disgusting bathroom habits!

Stupid commercial.

Stupid TV Commercial Sunday #37

This blog has been really dog-heavy lately.  We cats have been laying low, except for Nibbler, who is trying to win an award for most aggravating cat or something.  But my weekly Stupid TV Commercial antennae perked up the other day when this little gem showed up on TV.

Her colon looks really healthy to me

Yet again, human bathroom subject matter has come up on TV.  These people don't seem to be bothered by this woman hijacking a wedding to talk about her stupid colon medicine.  Shut up!  Let's get to the cake already!  I'll cleanse my colon the normal way, by eating some food and running around the house until I need to make a break for the litter box!

Sheesh!

Why I am a bad sport (not really)

So there is this contest called Mango Minster. It is run by a dog, but there are some cats there as well, and I suspect they are really the brains behind the show. Anyway, last year two of the idiot dogs in this house entered and did not win. Why would they? No self-respecting cat that is playing a game of shadows with dogs would let two of the most slobbery creatures in existence win. So I decided I would enter myself this year. The cats controlling Mango Minster have wisely decided to let us enter as 'bad sports', preserving the illusion that the dogs are running the show when they are really just chasing their tails. So I will play along and tell you why I am such a bad sport (wink wink).

I'm a bad sport because I have never even tried to be friends with idiot dog 1, idiot dog 2, or supreme idiot dog 3. I would rather just growl and hiss and swat at them if they get within 10 feet of me. I'll tell you why - they have taken over my house. That and they want me dead. One of my favorite things ever is to eat my favorite food - Ocean WhiteFish and Tuna (the pureed kind, not that disgusting gravy stuff). But those stupid slobbery dogs are so frightening that I can't eat with them in the house, and even when they are outside I find it is best to stay near the safety of a bed so I can escape their dumbness if I have to.

This is the only viable option I have

Bunsen may find this acceptable but he is an idiot

... I remember the good old days, when it was just me and mama and those other cats that are beneath me.

I was such an adorable little tyke

The other cats were truly blessed to have me

Mama and I had such a special bond

All that changed one day, when idiot dog 1 came to live with us. At first he was tiny and I thought perhaps he would just live in a box in a closet somewhere. But as he grew older I realized that he had my death on his mind.

I should have known from the start

At first I was OK with being a basement cat. Then we moved to a house where the dogs got into the basement. So I had no other choice. I did what any self-respecting cat with idiot blogging dogs would do.

I took over their blog. There, I said it, and I'm not sorry. Whiskers of Fury was the best thing that ever happened to the internet, and it would've worked too, if not for a twist of fate. I have laid low for awhile, but I decided I would use my winnings from Mango Minster to send the dogs off to Siberia or somewhere, and then order a truckload of Ocean WhiteFish and Tuna to share with myself after my glorious achievement.

If that makes me a bad sport so be it.

Stupid TV Commercial Sunday # 35

Hot on the heels of the last stupid TV commercial, the fast food chain giant McDonald's ups the ante in stupidity with their latest stab at selling more processed fried chicken parts.  The dogs think that chicken nuggets are great, but us cats know that the best chicken gets pureed and put into a can, then served to us on a dish.  Preferably at grandma's.

I hate you all

I know that these people are probably just actors, but if I were them I would have to get plastic surgery, move out of the country, and change my name, following the shame of being in such a stupid commercial.  'Slam to the dunk'?  Ugh!  Just kill me and get it over with!

Stupid TV Commercial # 34

OK folks - it's Christmas time, and that means trees with toys that we are not allowed to play with, more crap in the way of our cat vantage points, and knick-knacks everywhere.  Generally I try and make the best of this time of year, but sometimes it just gets to be too much.

Case in point - TV commercials get even stupider this time of the year, if such a thing is possible.  Take the latest from candle company Glade.

What was in those candles anyway?

Korbin might like these candles a lot - they are apparently spiced with something.  Myself, I would be a little disturbed if my Christmas stuff started flying around the house when I lit a candle.  It might even dissuade me from buying those candles.  I would certainly quit using them if they made snowmen come to life and peer into my windows.  Other cats in my yard are bad enough, I don't need animated snow freaks wandering around out there.  And little flying reindeer cookies would be way too much for me.  I'd have to knock them out of the sky, much like any little birdies that make their way into my castle.

Stupid commercial.

Stupid TV Commercial Sunday # 31

I don't know how they expect me to get my beauty rest anymore. Lately when they fall asleep in my big bed and I try to lay on their heads like I usually do they launch me off. It isn't like I can sleep on the couch back like I want to because I get mauled by sloppy-jowled hounds every time a leaf blows by the window, thinking they are going to defend the house against armed intruders. Then today the laundry room had a flood and they were stomping around yelling about it and running vacuum cleaners.

Oh well, this gave me lots of time to watch TV and find another stupid commercial for you all. This week's stupid commercial fits the bill perfectly.

This dog Buster seems to think he is some hot-shot businessman, and he talks down to pet food salesman. First of all, all dogs are too stupid to hold an office this high. Do a web search for 'business dog' and you get results like this:

What are you in a frat house? Roll your sleeves down you slob!

I guess if you want to run your company like some kind of goat rodeo that will work. Myself I prefer a company whose upper echelon actually behaves like they didn't just fall off a turnip wagon.

While dumb dogs are licking their behinds cats are doing important work

So try as he might, "Buster" isn't fooling anybody. Dogs ought to stick to chasing balls and panting - leave important things like running the world to the experts. If you disagree, you might as well continue shopping at Petco.

Stupid TV Commercial # 31

Boy, this week's commercial is dumb. It's trying to get you to sign up for Dish TV service. Now at first that sounded alright to me, because dishes sometimes have moist food on them or milk in them. TV and a nice snack would be alright - but I guess it has more to do with the dish they put on top of your house to get the signal for the TV. We have one of those in our yard but we have DirecTV instead. Anyway, this Dish commercial has something to do with cowboys and dumb hats - the link between that and television provider service is lost on me.

Now I am not much for worrying about who provides what in this house, except for litter box service and food detail. But I do have to wonder why a bunch of cowboys with encephalic hats and localized excess testosterone are trying to convince me to get this TV service by using a company that has gone bankrupt. Then again, cowboy hats don't really mean marketing genius...

Stupid TV Commercial Sunday # 30

In the spirit of All Hallow's Eve, this week's stupid TV commercial highlights a common misconception among humans and Hollywood executives: that black cats (like me) are harbingers of evil spirits and witches. We're really just superb lovers in our sleek black form (just ask Beaker).

So our stupid TV commercial this week is the trailer for the 1989 stinker of a movie 'Pet Sematary'. In it, a human decides to bury his dead cat and child in an Indian burial ground.

This movie was made before my time, but it explores the ridiculous notion that reincarnated cats are evil and try to attack humans at their every opportunity. First, we are not evil. Second, we only attack humans at prime opportunities (like when they are sleeping). Third, if we came back from the dead, we would certainly take the time to groom ourselves and nap a lot. A zombie basset hound would've MUCH more plausible. I can hear them saying "cat braaaaains" as we speak.

Mr. King should stick to being a writer, not a moviemaker or a priest or whatever. Pet Sematary definitely was subpar to Cat's Eye as far as King movies go.

Stupid TV Commercial Sunday # 29

I know it's been awhile since we did one of these. The stupid dogs can chase us just about everywhere now. Nibbler is working on a map, apparently. Now that they are all finally sleeping I have the time to get my blogging in.

This week's annoying commercial flies in the face of everything I have seen dad do around here. In it this lady wants to eat her cereal but she can't because it's not morning time. Her solution is not the first obvious example...

OK first off - just eat the stupid cereal at bedtime. Human do that all the time. Second off - even if you have to concoct some weird mental justification for eating the food you bought for yourself at some unusual hour, don't go dragging your stupid Chinese New Year's dragon costume out of the closet. The neighbors will end up calling the police again.

Nutjob.

Stupid TV Commercial Sunday # 28

I have talked about stupid commercials involving the bathroom before. This one tops even that.

Human babies are even more disgusting than humans when it comes to bathroom needs. Babies wear things called diapers, which are pants that they go to the bathroom in. The unlucky parents have to change these periodically. Anyway, I guess the better a diaper is at holding stuff in the better the parents feel. Or something.

They have ruined rap for me. And I hope there are never any babies in this house.

Stupid TV Commercial Sunday # 26

This week's stupid commercial would really get under my collar, if I wore one. It's another example of the dog-biased media we are all subjected to these days. Commercials like these make me wonder why I even bother watching TV some days.

OK first of all, just because we are cats does NOT mean we are burglars. Not all cats are evil. Not all of the time anyway. Look it isn't our fault that dogs are so dumb and gullible and easy to outsmart! That doesn't make us evil, it just makes you stupid! Second, even if we WERE all evil, what on earth would we want with a bone or a rubber toy car? Keep your stupid dog-smelling stuff, we don't want it! And a stupid red umbrella wouldn't stop us anyway!

Dumb dogs. This was a really stupid TV commercial.

Stupid TV Commercial Sunday # 25

Let me start off by telling you this: I am in a bad mood. All of us cats got stuffed into a dog crate today and carted off in the car. The dogs were in there too and crybaby Nibbler was freaking out whenever they would look at him. He got so worked up that he puked all over and when there are 5 cats in one crate and one of them pukes it's bathtime for everyone.

Stupid Nibbler. Stupid crate. Stupid car, I don't care if it is all for a good reason.

Speaking of stupidity...

Please... stop singing.

Stupid TV Commercial Sunday # 24

Normally when I think of beaches, I think of huge, endless tracts of litter box material, warm days, a cool, soothing breeze, Beaker in her bikini, and all the shrimp I can eat. But this commercial has ruined my cat beach fantasy with six little words:

"You look like a beach angel."

Thanks, Travelocity. Your commercial where people who evidently suffered brain damage from travelling in the luggage compartment on the plane have come to my beach and infected it with their stupidity. And who is this Rodrigo? My beach only has room for one debonair male.