April 27, 2011

A short blogging hiatus

Jowls of Fury fans, we are going on a short blogging hiatus.  Rosco, Layla, and Breezy are going up to grandma's house in Michigan, where there is no internet to speak of.  So that means there will be no Famous Basset Hound Friday or Stupid TV Commercial Sunday this week - but fear not, we will return next week just in time for Beaker to miss another Weird Word Wednesday deadline!

April 26, 2011

My world is now upside down

Recently my house has been rearranged without my permission or input. Previously all the cat stuff was downstairs while the dogs lived upstairs; there was lots of barking and running around at all hours of the day and it interrupted my sleep schedule. I was also forced to wait for my mama time until the stupid dogs were asleep. Now, however, the cat stuff is STILL downstairs, but the dog stuff has also been moved downstairs and the people bed is here as well. They say it is cooler down here and it will save on energy.

Well yes it IS cooler. But will it really save on energy? Probably not. You see, I will have to run that much faster to get to my litter boxes so I don't get attacked by the dogs. That will force me to eat more food, costing the people as much money as they might be saving. And let's not forget that it is the cat's turn to tear around the house now that the dogs are sleeping downstairs; let them wake up every time one of us jumps off the counter and lands on the floor.

At least the cats are on top where they belong.

April 24, 2011

Stupid TV Commercial Sunday # 16

This week's stupid commercial has to do with Easter. Easter is a day where we celebrate with stories about bunnies and eggs and baskets. However, this commercial makes light of cats.

No way would you catch me (or any self-respecting cat) wearing a stupid bunny costume or saying 'bock bock'. Even the Lion, King of the Cats, looks dumb. There were probably tranquilizers involved. I noticed that dogs got out of having to be in this commercial.

Stupid TV commercial.

April 22, 2011

Famous Basset Hound Friday # 15

Hi everyone! I get to put up Famous Basset Hound Friday this week because Rosco is busy chasing Layla around the house. I don't like the chase game - I always feel like I have to defend myself (or dad) from Rosco. He is like an alligator!

Anyway I got to pick whatever hound I wanted to for this. Rosco basically said 'whatever Breezy you do what you want, I have to catch Layla and bite her ears'. He is such a jerk sometimes. He bites my ears and I bark in his face.

So the hound I picked this week is Stanley Pinkerton! Who is Stanley Pinkerton you ask?

THIS is Stanley Pinkerton! He is the spokeshound for Pinkerton South, a marketing firm or something. All I know is he is a successful hound, and he probably makes a lot of money, and boy is he hot! I normally don't go for bad boys but that devil costume shows that he has droops in all the right places!

Ahem. I'm getting a little too excited here. Anyway, Stanley is very successful, and he Tweets a lot. So not only is he fun-loving and exciting, he is also tech-savvy and smart. Sounds like the perfect hound for me! He also has his own website.

I just realized! He works for a marketing firm! And he is really handsome! So he is like the Mad Men of hounds! He also says he is the lord of the couch and cats (* swoon *) and President of the Sneaky Dog Club!

He's like a dream!

April 18, 2011

Combined Basset GQ/Swimsuit Magazine Spread

Well it's finally here!  After a few intense weeks of procrastination we are publishing our first ever combined Basset GQ/Swimsuit Magazine spread!  

So here we go.  Our first entry (what we would consider the front cover) is Boomer.  We decided to let him grace our cover because today is his birthday!  So our hot young hunk hound Boomer is the first in our lineup - everyone after him is shown in random order.

Basset GQ Male #1 - Boomer

Boomer celebrates his first birthday today, and the birthday boy is that perfect blend of charm and refinement that we look for on the cover of our Basset GQ/Swimsuit magazine.  His 'come hither' look tells the ladies that this young basset man has an air of mystery and excitement to him....

... but that he also knows the importance of sometimes just staying in with a loved one.  Affectionate, upright, mysterious, and dashing - what more could a hound lady look for?

Boomer kicks things off for us!

Basset Swimsuit Female # 2 - Whiskey

Whiskey is definitely a feisty basset lady.  Her pictures prompted some concern amongst our editorial staff about the direction we wanted to take this magazine, and we were worried that her pictures would be too racy for our reading audience.  But then Rosco posted her online before anyone could stop him, saying that she was obviously not ashamed of her beautiful basset figure, so why should we be?  Whether you think they are pornographic or not, Whiskey's au natural look and gymnastic pose definitely marks her as a basset girl who knows what she wants out of life.

Not afraid to play the sultry card either, Whiskey is capable of using her body to get what she wants.  Here she lounges on one of her many favorite beds, showing off the stoutly graceful curves that her basset body was blessed with.  We couldn't help but notice her deep, staring eyes either...

Whiskey has set a pretty high bar for the ladies!

Basset GQ Male # 3 - Rosco

Our very own Rosco P. Puppyman is our third entry.  Rosco's sense of humor, good-nature, and faithfulness have endeared him to many basset lovers since we began Jowls of Fury.  He is also the first hound here to think up the Basset GQ idea, and his blog post is what started it all.  Rather than continue to extoll his many virtues, we offer up only one of his latest sexy poses:

He calls it "There's room for one more"...

Basset GQ Male # 4 - Barnaby

Our good friend Barnaby entered his post just this morning, and he really wowed us with his material.  Barnaby is definitely a ladies' hound, making sure to get his own one-on-one time with all the ladies he can.  He also defines the basset attitude that we all love: calm, assertive, powerful, sometimes demanding, elite, and aloof.  

You may have bought this chair... I made it sexy.

Barnaby is also the life of any party, making sure that everyone in his immediate vicinity has a good time.  The hound ladies love him for his outgoing, fun-loving nature, and he is quick to join in the fun and festivities.

Poor kid didn't stand a chance...  I'm the numero Uno dog, so of course I'm good at this game...

He shares his hound pad with Scarlett (another of our Swimsuit females today), and he shares his affections for her often.

Here is a hound who knows what he wants and how to get it!

Basset Swimsuit Female # 5 - Breezy

The newest member of Jowls of Fury out aside her stuffy, better-than-this attitude about our magazine spread and really brought out her sexy for this shoot!  Breezy's taller, longer frame allows her to get into some very creative positions, and like our first swimsuit model for this magazine, she has decided to bare it all!

Breezy has come a long way from the demure, submissive hound lady she was just two short months ago.  Like snow melting in the spring, her exterior skittishness has melted away, showing the sometimes bossy, always loveable, occasionally promiscuous hound girl that lies within!

Basset Swimsuit Female # 6 - Scarlett

Miss Scarlett lives with her "not my boyfriend" Barnaby.  She is a refined basset lady, and she has decided to take the high road in this magazine.  Classy, well-read, she is a southern lady, rescued and brought to a caring forever home.  Her proper accent belies a sweet, sometimes playful interior, as she is not above a good roll in some poo (a gal has to decorate herself up once in awhile).

Scarlett is at heart a southern gal, and she enjoys doing all of the outdoor things that southern gals do - including running, playing, chasing squirrels, etc.  This girl is definitely a keeper, or she will be if any hound boys are lucky enough to win her heart!

Basset GQ Male # 7 - Bowser

Our next sexy basset male is a bit of a tease.  Bowser sports the classic tri-color scheme, but he plays the hard-to-get game.  In his own words:

Don't let the coy look, the teasing leg lift, and the last minute cover-up for modesty lead you on. Bashful Boy Bowser can flaunt it like the ladies but when it comes right down to it...he just (literally) doesn't have the balls to bare it all.

Ever the tease, he enjoys a nice game of "grab the toy...OH no i jerked it away from you and ran away" and nothing beats a good lazy lying down game of tug-o-war. But don't get the impression he's all tease and no sleaze. Bowser likes sniffing a good butt just like the rest of the furry crowd. Still, no dominance humping for this young 1 year old. He treats dogs of all sizes with respect and only a cursory sniff before running back to the safety of Mama. 

 Yes, ladies, he is a Mama's boy...but with those soulful eyes, coy toe-kisses as he walks by your feet, and groans of pleasure when you hug and scratch him...he'll having you fall into platonic love in no time.

Sounds like a tough act to follow!

Basset GQ Male # 8 - Fergus

Fergus also provided his own information for our photo spread:

Fergus is seen here in his preferred bathing attire (nothing!); careful ladies, he's taken. His hobbies include taking leisurely walks through the park at dusk, orating on the hows and whys of basset hounds, and counter-surfing. When not chasing his life companion (a horrible cat) around the house, Fergus can be found stretched out on his favorite sofa gently sucking his ears. His favorite food is all food and his beverage of choice is luke warm water. 

The hound ladies in this household love that knock-kneed resting position!

Basset GQ Male # 9 - Toughynutter

Our next hound is the one and only Toughynutter!  Mr. Toughy (and we made sure we spelled it right) was quite the famous hound, having been a show dog, a snowplow, an experienced agility hound, a bit off-kilter, and an all-around wealth of information on the breed.  His favorite photo shows him in his glory, as an offbeat, rugged, adventurous hound.

Basset GQ Male # 10 - An anonymous pup

Our next basset GQ entry has requested anonymity, and who can blame them?  This young pup would have to beat hound ladies off with a stick if his address ever got out.  Combining youthful beauty and innocence with a tempting 'bedroom eyes' look, our anonymous pup is going back into hiding now, before the masses of hound females find him...

Basset GQ Male # 11 - Chester

Our last basset male is Chester, and his appeal is in his hair!  It apparently works with the ladies!

Just look at those long, curly locks!  Chester's sporting the long look while most other bassets keep their coats short and trim, giving him an uncut, rough-around-the edges look. It certainly helps him earn those belly rubs!

Chester enjoys the good life, and likes to share his time with his friends at parties.  He might be considered a bit of a booze hound by some (he jokingly referred to this picture as 'too many bloody mary's'), but he just thinks he is making the best use of his time.

Basset Swimsuit Female # 12 - Layla

Our last female, and entry, is the one and only Layla 'Prettygirl' Jane.  She is a true diva, knowing both how beautiful she is and that she deserves only the highest standards.  Layla is shameless in her pursuit of belly rubs and treats.

An unfairly surrendered hound, Layla was rescued and has since been living the good life.  Couches, beds, treats, cats to chase, and brothers and sisters to play with have been hers for the taking.  She is just waiting for that special basset someone to come along and sweep her off her feet (not literally, Rosco).

Layla did not care for her new sister at first, but they have begun to get along a bit more recently (enough to pose for a synchronized basset photo shoot)!

These twelve hounds were the first round of our combined Basset GQ/Swimsuit edition.  Stay tuned for the next round (once we find them all)!

April 17, 2011

Stupid TV Commercial Sunday # 15

This week's stupid commercial came to me this morning, as I was dividing my attention between the bird feeders outside and the TV inside. Those feeders need to be monitored, as does the television. I play many important roles here.

The issue of human bathroom needs have always perplexed me. For being such creative, capable creatures, they seem to have inadequate bathroom uses. First of all, their toilet needs water, and they have to actually sit down to do their business sometimes. We cats just hover over a box and bury things when we are done - a much more eco-friendly solution (pumping all that water takes time and money). Then there is the issue of toilet paper. Cats have no need of toilet paper - we have "other" ways of cleaning up, should the need ever arise. Humans, meanwhile, waste literally tons of paper each year doing their business.

Which is where this week's stupid commercial comes in.

The obvious solution to this problem is to start using a litter box. That, or keep your wasteful toilet paper in the room where you actually need it, and not halfway across the house.

April 16, 2011

Famous Basset Hound Friday #14 - late

To all of our Famous Basset Hound Friday fans, sorry we are late this week! I had my blog all ready to go and daddy was too busy sleeping to upload it for me! He has been publicly humiliated and shamed for this oversight.

So this week's famous hound is named Ulysses Yardley. I am a bit suspicious of his lineage after seeing some of his photos - he looks a bit stuffy to me.

Breaking it down

According to his fan page on Facebook, Ulysses is "the fastest party-sniffer-outerer in the South West and is fast becoming one of clublands daftest celebrities". He also appears to be Australian or something, I can't really understand half of what his fans have written about him. Evidently Ulysses travels to things called 'raves', which dad informs me is a party where young people play loud music with thumping bass and repetitive electronic noise for hours and hours. They also drink alcohol and try drugs and are generally silly. Doesn't sound like the right place for any self-respecting hound to be if you ask me! Although he does appear to be popular with the ladies...

Go ahead, give me a smooch. We hounds are irresistible.

That... is an interesting hat.

Maybe Ulysses is trying to convince these young people of the error of their ways. If so, he has his work cut out for him. But either way, he is out making people aware of basset hounds and how awesome we all are, even if his message does happen to fall on mostly deaf ears. Well what else can you expect from children who listen to such ridiculous music?

I don't know this guy. He just grabbed me.

Ladies please! I am not a piece of meat!

Please just stop, you're embarrassing yourself.

Yes my dear, it is a bit too noisy in here. Let's go outside for a walk.

Ulysses either enjoys these kinds of parties or he is trying to improve the lives of young people - either way we wish him luck. And he's our 14th Famous Basset Hound!

April 13, 2011

Weird Word Wednesday #10

The last few entries of Weird Word Wednesday have been delayed because people keep moving my furniture around. The dogs now live in the basement where I like to hang out, so it has made it difficult to focus on any activity other than glaring angrily from the few remaining out-of-slobber-reach places.

Anyway, this week's dumb human phrase is 'hot diggity'. People say 'hot diggity' when they want to sound especially stupid while trying to convey a sense of excitement. The word has no rooted real-world meaning - it was apparently gibberish that was made up one day by a guy named Al Jolson (see picture below). But then, what can you expect from a guy with such hits as 'There's a Rainbow Around My Shoulder', 'Ragging the Baby to Sleep', and 'Yaaka Hula Hickey Dula'?

Honestly, the human language is ridiculous.

April 10, 2011

Stupid TV Commercial #14

This week's stupid commercial is pretty obvious. In fact, it basically speaks for itself.

All we would have to do to get away is throw a slobbery ball out the window.

Dumb dogs.

April 8, 2011

Famous Basset Hound Friday #13

Well it's that time of the week again. After a long 7 days of basset hound work (i.e. sleeping, barking at Joey, and blogging), it's time for that half hour of careful contemplation, thorough web surfing, and delicate typing that culminate into the best of all weekly events:

Famous Basset Hound Friday!

This basset hound Friday is in honor of the only online webcomic basset hound that I know of. His name was Kirbicus "Kirby" the King of Bassets. He was the star of a long-running webcomic called PvP, which is written by a guy named Scott Kurtz. The hound in the comic was based on the author's real-life basset hound named Kirby. Not a terribly creative author, but then again, we ARE talking about a hound here. Probably no reason not to use his real name, as it doesn't get much more genuine than the real thing.

I will be honest here. I have not followed PvP for very long - it was around long before I was alive - but I read the Wikipedia article and it basically filled me in. Mr. Kurtz also appears to be very dedicated to his craft and has lots of fans so I know he did the basset hound honor, even if he did make Kirby less intelligent than most hounds. The abbreviated version of things is that Kirby was made into an important character in a webcomic and he had many adventures.

The real-life Kirby passed away in 2009. Mr. Kurtz wrote a very touching eulogy for him that you can read. He also had a friend who did a guest comic that Kirby's ghost appeared in, where he shows how faithful a hound he was. Make sure and read the comic notes when you check out that comic. Also read both the comic notes and the eulogy and see if you can spot Mr. Kurtz going back on his word about owning more hounds - we have a way of getting into your hearts.

So all in all, Kirby was as awesome as every basset hound is. He was also famous to boot and that makes him our 13th Famous Basset Hound!

April 4, 2011

Combined Basset GQ/Swimsuit Edition

There was a great deal of debate about this blog entry.  Rosco wanted to write it, since he was the hound that thought up the original idea (complete with glittery bling headlining and all).  Layla countered that since she was clearly the most sexy of all the hounds, she ought to have first dibs.  Breezy took the seemingly incompatible stance that such hedonism was beneath her, and that she was the more aged and experienced of all the hounds at Jowls of Fury, and so the honor of announcing our combined Basset GQ/Swimsuit Edition blog should fall to her.

Somehow a guy who just shaved his beard off because it itched too much ended up being the one to write the announcement.  It's been awhile since I wrote anything on here anyway, so here goes.

Jowls of Fury is hosting the first ever Basset GQ/Swimsuit Edition blog.  This will be an entry on Jowls of Fury in approximately a week or two (depending on how long it takes us to get enough entries as well as write our own) where we showcase all the sexy, sultry, suave, and sophisticated basset hounds of the internet.  If you are interested in entering your basset (or yourself - as the hounds quickly pointed out, some hounds write their own blogs.  I have never had such overbearing editors), then please do the following:

  1. Take a picture of your basset hound/yourself in a suitable pose.  Suitable poses include sitting, standing, running, laying on the floor, or any other picture you can find.  Costumes are acceptable.  There has been some question about the pornographic nature of some entries - we can either blur or blackbox the photos if you want them to be that way, or we can let your hound go au natural.  
  2. Write an entry blurb that you would like to go with your hound's photo.  Bear in mind that this ought to be similar to the stuff you see in either human GQ/Swimsuit Edition magazines (so you can either describe interests, hobbies, or talk about how much the swimwear/suit/tie costs).  Or you can get creative and write basically whatever you want!  The only editorial stance we might take is to censor any obviously inflammatory/racist/hateful language, but we have yet to meet a hound or hound owner who would go to such lengths, and don't anticipate any problems.
  3. Email these two things to bassetgq@yahoo.com.  If you have any special requests or other concerns address them to us as well.
That's all you have to do!  We weren't planning on making this a competition of any kind - all entries will be shown and include the text that you give us.  Keep your eyes open for some sexy hounds!

April 3, 2011

Stupid TV Commercial #13

This week's stupid commercial comes to us from a company that has many, many stupid TV commercials under its belt.

This week we showcase Taco Bell's latest idiotic 30-second spot: the shrimp guys.

Now I am a fan of seafood, let me get that out right away. But this is just a dumb commercial. Why would anyone commit so much energy, money, and time to breaking into parties they weren't invited to just to get something they could buy at any grocery store? Better yet, why would I want to go get shrimp based on that kind of stupidity?

April 2, 2011

My first anniversary

Some of my hound friends call it their 'gotcha' day. It's the day that us rescue hounds were brought to our forever homes. A forever home is the home that we stay at forever, so we don't have to live in a rescue facility anymore. Honestly, I have to teach you people everything!

I wasn't always the happy, satisfied hound girl I am today. Once upon a time I was owned by someone else, and they didn't have time to care for me, and they left me in a yard all day long. Then when they came home I only got to sleep in the kitchen at night. Then they had a baby and discovered it was allergic to me (how this was my fault is beyond me, it sounds like this kid is going to have a rough life), so they decided they didn't want me anymore. I was pretty sad.

But then my forever home came and found me. So today is my 'gotcha' day! One year ago today I was rescued from The Noah Project in Muskegon, Michigan. Mom and dad came to visit me with Rosco at the facility, and I was such a happy girl once I felt comfortable around them. Dad threw me a ball and Rosco was mostly shy.

I was also really interested in kittens at that time (I still am). There were some kittens at The Noah Project and I was barking at them to tell them not to worry, someone would adopt them!

Looking back at those old pictures brings back some memories! I was really skinny and underfed and sad and lonely - but once I got to my forever home they filled me in to my current beautiful weight. I also got to sleep on some soft beds, which took a little getting used to at first.

The couch was the right place for me, with my mom. I also got to sleep in the bed with mom that night (Rosco and dad slept on the floor, to let me get used to my new home).

The next day they had Easter, and we were forced to wear these silly bunny helmets. I was beginning to have second thoughts at that point - we were at grandma's house and all the new dogs were laughing at me - but they also gave us Easter treats and only made me wear the dumb things for a little while. Still, what a way to welcome a new hound girl to her forever home!

But in the end this was the right place for me. I have a brother and sister, and my mom and dad love me and give me all the attention and foodstuffs that I deserve. I don't have to sleep outside anymore (although I will say I do like to lay on the deck in the warm sun), and I am treated like the princess I really am. Happy gotcha day!

April 1, 2011

Famous Basset Hound Friday - cancelled

Hello faithful readers! We have decided to cancel our weekly Famous Basset Hound Friday session this week due to breaking news!

It's my birthday!

Well, it WAS my birthday yesterday, and I am still too excited to do our famous hounds any justice! I just had to share the news and pictures of the day! Mom and Dad threw me a party, and Layla and Breezy were there, and some of the cats were nearby, I think... I was hoping Max and Maggie and Griff and Remy and maybe Slade would be there, but Mom and Dad said they live very far away and couldn't have made the trip. It was OK though, because we still had a great time!

We got lots of good stuff! We got to wear some cool birthday hats, and we even got to go for a car ride to go pick up my birthday cake. But I think the best part was that we got my favorite meal, Chicken McNuggets!

Here I am enjoying my birthday treat!

Dad even got into the party spirit and wore a hat himself as he got my birthday cake ready for us.

The cakes were delicious!

When my birthday party was over we snoozed on the couch. It was a pretty awesome birthday, I am looking forward to turning 3 next year!